I think I read somewhere once...

 I couldn't think of anything to write as a headline or anything. In my lifetime; I don't recall shit around the world everywhere just looking so bleak. It is a dichotomy though! (i actually got to use that word in something i am writing and it fits)

Afghanistan; where the hell to start with that one? I was listening to NPR the other day and the person on the call or interview suggested the US involvement in Afghanistan pre-dated the Soviet Invasion? I need to validate or at least run down some of the assumptions he made but I do know the US has been directly involved since at least before the Soviets invaded. Not sure in what capacity though and it changes nothing about my feelings on the current situation. 

Could not have chosen a worst course of action to leave the country. Horrific and sickening to watch this end this way. There is so much to unpack, study, digest, internalize and then make fundamental change to how we conduct foreign policy. I could add a video here of the C-17 plane or the bombing in Kabul the other day but I just won't keep adding to the insanity. We need to change or this is the beginning of the end for America. Something about the 21st century and that is...everything is sped up. Technology and the way we use it have sped up every cycle you can think. The news cycle has been on hyperdrive for over a decade now and that means situations like this can be absorbed and forgotten, when we need to pause and really capture what the fuck happened and institute change. 

This morning for instance on the drivel they call news; NBC4 in Washington DC decides that Sunday morning at 6am is the time to show the photos of the Marines that died. Sadistic mothafucka's. We have not even fully withdrawn from the place; the bodies have not been properly laid to rest, and now at the very beginning of our morning these retarded ratings hounds disrespect these men and women. I don't need to see their photos to understand the sacrifice they made. This is the sick shit we have to deal with. Then NBC4 justed move on the next segment; talking about whatever the fuck came up next. 

Had to get that shit off my chest. This is fucking therapy for me at this moment. I wish I could walk around like other people (don't want to put a % because i have no idea what other people think) I have observed who just seemingly don't give a fuck. Maybe everyone is doing what I am doing and writing all this down to get it out of their system. When you think about it; that is what twitter and all those apps let people do. Get shit out; express themselves. There are downsides to those apps and websites for sure. Humans always seem to figure out a way to fuck shit up and make it creepy and shady but...expression can help for most of us. 

Capture 1

Keeping this separate from the rest of the shit I write down. 

Decided to start jotting down shit as it come to me.

Calling my mother later; have a nephew fresh from jail. Have to just force myself into these folks lives. Men in my family are men. We don't talk and we need to. 

21 July 2021

Starting a couple of books

Doing Justice...Preet Bharara #crime and Keise Laymon (I will get back on the title) 

Meanwhile enjoy thishttps://music.amazon.com/albums/B003KYKY3Q?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B003KYKYFE

This is like the modern day Hard Times from Run DMC 

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B01ACSXBJQ?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B01ACSXIWG

Sam Cooke saved, so I can come back to this

David Baldacci gotta read one of his every time i fly more than two hours from now on. Perfect stuff to be on a plane with. 

Had to run and catch the commuter train this morning. I can run with neuropathy and i need to do it. Prove it can be done. Document this shit. Emergence. Cancer, personal addiction and just every day! 

Damn. Take pictures and just start with some basics for 30 days. 

So many things in our lives will change if you do this. 30 day check!

Life Journey: Flipping the Page

 This time last year I was returning from Australia. I knew something was wrong with me and I was hoping it wasn't cancer but in my heart I knew it was. My father had cancer; fought it 8 years and ultimately passed. I had symptoms that I was stubbornly ignoring. I was not in a good place mentally, spiritually or physically. I had let myself be dominated by alcohol and tobacco. Deluding myself that I was functional (sometimes highly so) and I just kept justifying bad habits. 

I'm fortunate to be here and determined to get the most out of the rest of my time however long that is.

I know exactly what I need to do and it all about just doing it. 

Everyday; something positive. Everyday accomplish something. Setting goals. Re-establishing my personal mission statement for how I conduct my life. Nothing sappy; just hard work. Time to get it. 

Diversion

Wanted to document this while it is on my mind. Doesn't have anything to do with what I have normally chosen to put in this space (i think).

About an hour ago I was watching CNN and they had a guest talking about the coronavirus. He said something that makes me think really hard about what we are dealing with. The guest said that medical science; i.e., biologist are just now starting to understand the effects of covid infection. Apparently, according to this guest...covid has shown signs of infecting multiple areas of the body; not just the respiratory track or lung function. Covid is showing up in the brain? It could be nothing but it could also mean you could have this virus hanging out in areas of the body figuring out how to interact with other cells. Mean time while covid is doing this; we don't even know we have covid. Asymptomatic. Yeah that word.

Covid could infect you and not manifest for a long time? We don't know. This is a brand new thing for science to investigate. This could take fucking years to fully understand. We are no where near anarchy in this country. Our version of the human race and particularly in America won't allow that to happen. Not because we are good or better than anyone.

Just the opposite. The pig-headed folk that make up the majority of this country; black, white, brown, yellow and white. Won't let anarchy come because come hell or high water; these folk will demand to carry on as usual and will shout as loud as they can that they are willing to take that risk. So America will stare this in the face and some will die and most will live but the retarded American consumption economy is the only thing that matters. Eventually because we will have gathered so much knowledge about covid we will have a vaccine and just like the flu industry now. We will have a new set of medications and an entire industry dedicated to COVID relief. Think of all those billions of dollars waiting to be had.

Fuck; if I'm #JoeBiden that is my fucking play right now. Covid is here and it is going no where. What can we do to live responsibly in that covid-19 reality? How can America use this to our advantage and stay strong and prosperous? First get fucking rid of this disaster of a human being #trump in this next election. To get America anywhere near where we need to be, we have to stop the fucking clown show now.

I was able to write something and I pulled it back. Is that right to do in this space? Stop yourself from venting? Won't do that again. Everything I think is worthy even if it is fucked up in the moment. You will at least acknowledge the stupidity and learn?  (personal moment)

Suspended Animation

Time is creeping...
 I'm grateful beyond words that I'm doing well after my initial cancer diagnosis last August 2019. I know cancer can come back and I'm optimistic I can remain cancer free going forward. I still have issues that I need to overcome to lessen chances for a resurgence; I'm dealing with those and will have to document when I have actually quit tobacco and alcohol and gone to 80% plant based diet. I am close but not there yet. I still have to get this ostomy reversal surgery done so I can begin my personal fitness in earnest.

Time just keeps creeping though. Any other year and you look back and say where has the time gone. Not 2020...seconds, minutes, hours and days are all somehow stretching out this year. Seems like everyday is negative in this covid world. Just getting some thoughts off my chest. Hard to focus! I have a lot to do; yet, I can't seem to get on a path to taking those first steps.

The world is changing or at least is pausing until we get a vaccine and maybe a cure or other effective treatment for COVID. The US has so much we can be better at as a nation. Police brutality and racism is not new for me or any other black person of my age (51). I've dealt with it my whole life and don't see that changing regardless of what is going on with all the protest. Read history and we have been here before. Many times in virtually every decade since the end of the Civil War there have been movements to try and make things better for black americans. I'm not optimistic!

I want to be; I just can't deny history and the failings of human beings throughout history.

There is a book called Eye of the Spirit by Ken Wilbur (will correct later if wrong). Talks about the hierarchical nature of being. There is one whole that builds upon itself; evolving ever more. Part of that whole or holarchy is the stimuli that created what manifest as racism. In order to remove this from the human experience you would have to have a way to go in to the whole of a person and remove those strands of hate and racism that were experienced or taught. This is not possible in a human. Even if a person; on a strictly personal level doesn't hate blacks, asians, latinos or any other person of color. It does not matter because the imprint of the whole of their learning; conscious or unconscious it part of their DNA. To remove it in the future would require us to take our knowledge of technology and create a merged race of humans and androids and then have a program or applications that targets the strands of human DNA that are flawed by experience and erase hate strands and replace them with empathy, tolerance and shared learning to observe the positive and build up and nurture those positive experiences. 

We must engage what we have learned to be right through our collective experience. This is a quote I love. If we don't get better by understanding what we have done wrong in the past then we are like the Churchmen in antiquity that refused to follow Galileo's learning and the look through the telescope. 

Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!

Journey Phase 1 day 3?

My surgery date is in jeopardy after a spot on my lungs found during a chest x-ray is being evaluated further with a follow up CT Scan. Anxiety gets to you. Anxiety has me thinking too. Critically no less! With the stay at home orders in place I've watched quite a few documentaries. One was about food production. I will get the title later but the bottom line is this was a documentary showing how meat (primarily) is produced. Beef and Pork. Slaughterhouses and pig farms and oh yeah; chickens. This is big corporate business. No idyllic farmer and family providing meat and potatoes for America. Farmers don't even have freedom in America. Farmers are essentially contractors for industry and can't independently farm and bring their product to market here in America or overseas. WE ARE NOT FREE!

I was thinking about writing a book and I think I'm going to start here. We are not free; would document in print what I saw in that documentary and just expand on the socialist agriculture policy going on in America. The annual farm bill. I need to actually read these laws to see what they do or don't do; what they allow and or not allow. I have anecdotal information but I've never actually read the legislation, so I will start there.

More to come; now that I have a focus area.

The Journey: Phase 1 day one

Just starting reading Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt copyright 1951

Decided to start from the beginning. First started reading the book over a year ago but need to give a fresh look. As I mentioned in the list of books from my last post; this will include me reading and taking notes and then giving my opinion. This should feed me with insight on the kinds of information I believe to be important to save and share. As I continue to identify what is important to me; this exercise should inform what I do next; post surgery.

Hannah's book is about antisemitism and how that started; all the who, what, when, where and why questions are addressed. Along the way many topics come up and the first one from chapter 1 page 4, 3rd para ; is a discussion for how an idea can spark a movement towards discrimination on a national or international level. "wealth without visible function is much more intolerable because nobody can understand why it should be tolerated".

The quote above is applicable to our situation today. We have a pandemic (public health crisis) that is cratering the economy. Governments of major economic powers are propping up markets/banks/businesses. Part of our economic salad bowl are venture capitalists, hedge funds and other forms of asset management if you will. If some of these entities go down right now you have to ask the question about preserving them if they have no visible function; other than to make money speculating (gambling) on market conditions of individuals companies or concerns.

More importantly is the next important point Ms. Arendt makes: "Even exploitation and oppression still make society work and establish some kind of order. Only wealth without power or aloofness without a policy are felt to be parasitical, useless, revolting, because such conditions cut all threads which tie men together."(pg5,chp1,para3).

• This writing above is exactly what some folks feel around the world right now. As decisions are made for who to give money in relief to stabilize the economy due to #covid19. I find this quote instructive. I will leave it that for now.

I have a feeling this is going to be a lot of data; that is okay with me. Quarantine life is giving me something useful to produce.

I have to say right now...the word 'that' is useful. 0000.9% of the time. Makes it so hard to write and read.

April 16, 2020: Day closer to Surgery

I'm feeling apprehensive...supposed to have surgery 27 Apr 20 but I have a lingering cough (not covid-19) and have to have a chest xray on 20 Apr 20 to get cleared for surgery or not. It is a pain in the ass waiting for shit to happen. I read (more like skimmed over) an article from Mrs. Arizona 2020; who in 2017 was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4 that spread to her lungs. Four surgeries later and multiple rounds of chemo and radiation she is cancer free. Obviously there is hope so I feel good about my chances given my cancer is stage 3; shrunk during chemo and no trace in scans to surrounding lymph nodes. I just want to get it over with so I can move on with the rest of my life.
You end up in this standstill mode while undergoing treatment. I am still healthy and fortunate to have a job and am teleworking but I have had a lot of time on my hands and want to do something else career wise after surgery and treatment is done. I'm going to take this time to take stock of me during the next 4-6 months and update my resume and send it out. The world is going to change and I want to change along with it and work on issues that put me more in touch with caring for others.
I have ideas I just need to narrow down what matters. I am going to do a mission statement, value evaluation and set some goals. I have some near term stuff I can do to prep and I just need to get after it knowing that it will be all part of a broader plan.

Life Milestones; Death; Cancer

My grandmother passed away Saturday April 11, 1920...

I left Kansas City in Oct 1987 and never moved back...the fact that our family Matriarch is gone is a big deal! 4332 Benton Blvd, KCMO. The address! No other address matters in that city. That was our temple. Family temple. Everything started and happened at that house. I'm fifty one and will in a couple of weeks will have colorectal surgery. My grandmother had breast cancer as a black woman in the 1960's double mastectomy and lived to 92/93 years (not sure of birth date). I don't know where to begin with Mary Virginia Stone; so I won't try. She is my grandmother and is now passed on to the next life; whatever that might be.

Musings: Covid; cancer; whatever

Who knows what enters into the mind of a man at 10:57pm east coast time? It is COVID baby! I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. Is that bad? NO...no one has any idea what they are talking about right now.
I want philosophy. I want to think about us.

Ostomy Dr Visit...just random shit

I went to an appointment today to discuss my ostomy bag that I will have to wear after my surgery. Shit bag! I'm over it mentally; I think. Doesn't matter if I'm over it because I have to fucking do it regardless.

I need some goals...if anyone (me) is listening; I need goals to strive for in the next 3 to 4 months

One: Lose 40lbs
Two: Do 100 push ups a day
Three: ?????

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

Another Day

17 Feb 2020

This writing streak is now three days deep! Two more days of radiation therapy left. Met with the Dr. this morning.Blood pressure was 123/67; which is the best mark by far in years actually. Had been hovering around 136/80 on average these last 8 months. I have been fortunate to not have high blood pressure as it runs in my family; as does heart disease. Still no alcohol! 16 days now. Not a record for me but significant nonetheless.
Skin just inside the top of my ass crack is affected by this radiation and I was worried I had blood in my stools but it's just open skin. My two forefingers and thumbs are numb and my feet still feel like they are perpetually asleep. All in all not bad given the poison and radiation in my system.
All these days of no alcohol are giving me back some of my previous joys in life. One is reading. My grandmother taught me how to read before I started kindergarten and I have always loved it. I read a variety of books; fiction, non-fiction, bios and all genres except true crime interest me. I've always been partial to sci-fi/fantasy. So intriguing and the fantasy lets you get away and dream. There is always some kernel of truth and wisdom in those books. I also love Robert Ludlum style books and David Baldacci. Just read the Last Man Standing in under 24 hours. Really good book! Having a clear mind is invigorating and is making me look forward to the coming spring.
I have some real work to do this spring earning a certification required for the job. I really need to buckle down and just get it over with. Involves online training that is just dull as hell and not terribly relevant to what I do everyday. I shouldn't really say that but it's just that I don't need dull but I have now put myself in a position that I have to get this done in the next 6 months so the crunch time aspect will at least give it some urgency.
Looking forward to the next 6 weeks starting 20 Feb 2020. That is when I will start the physical training. I plan to take a holistic approach to this physical training. Some will be traditional working out. I will hike and bike and use the work I need to do outside in my yard as part of the routine. A big part that I want to incorporate is stretching and breath work. I have an audio book by Dan Brule that is really good and I will start each day doing some of that breath work and stretching to get the blood flowing. 100 push ups and some core work each morning before I leave the house. You tube has some great at home workouts I plan to follow as well. I will post progress on here and note changes in my body after all this treatment. Gotta go get in some Og Mandino 1st scroll before I go to bed. No TV and reading the scrolls as the last thing you do before going to sleep will put my mind where it needs to be and then wake up and do it again tomorrow. New man...new life!