Journey Phase 1 Day 7

Surgery complete! It is early in the morning the day after and i haven't talked to the Doctor yet. My wife talked to the surgeon after i was out of the procedure and was given positive news. I will write more when i know more.

30 April 20

Last two days have been intense. I now have a NG tube. Needed because i had so much fluid in stomach that was not processing through my bowels. since i had anesthesia on both sides of my bowels, it took longer for them to wake up. The pain associated with this is intense. Coming out of it now.  Once i get on a computer i will be able to write more. 

Difficult not having folks visit. I have to just keep some notes for now and come back later and refine it. Pain meds make it hard to focus. The drugs work. 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!

Journey Phase 1 Day 5 continued: Chamath Palihapitiya, Founder and CEO Social Capital, on Money as an Ins...

This is one of those discussions that I ran across that is definitely worth sharing and just making sure I have available in my own space to go back and listen to. I'm going to start sharing with my son and daughter because I want them to know what I'm thinking and the kinds of things I care about. This is worth listening to for anybody that cares.



One of the things I did that Chamath does is I gave up FaceBook. I haven't given up Twitter and I'm glad I didn't because I would likely have never come across this dude. Good stuff!

Journey: Phase 1 Day 4 or 5 (can't remember)

CT Scan I had done came back clear. The cynic in me believes it was ordered just to squeeze more money out of the Military Heathcare System that I am fortunate to be a part of. I know the team is just trying to make sure I'm healthy going in to this; so I will suspend my jaded attitude.

Just finished clearing out shit at work and handing off responsibilities to my teammates to cover down on issues while I'm out.

Will spend the weekend packing some reading material for the week I'm going to be in the hospital. I know what I want to read already. It will basically be the Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt. When I'm able I really hope to get more than halfway through the book and take notes. This is not light reading and I can't do my traditional speed reading tactics like I do with fiction writing I read. In any event I'm looking forward to it.

Aside from the reading I have to pay attention to the all the instructions regarding post operation daily care for this ostomy bag. I had one sit down with a nurse and it seems simple but rarely do things just play out the way they are explained at first blush.

Journey Phase 1 day 3?

My surgery date is in jeopardy after a spot on my lungs found during a chest x-ray is being evaluated further with a follow up CT Scan. Anxiety gets to you. Anxiety has me thinking too. Critically no less! With the stay at home orders in place I've watched quite a few documentaries. One was about food production. I will get the title later but the bottom line is this was a documentary showing how meat (primarily) is produced. Beef and Pork. Slaughterhouses and pig farms and oh yeah; chickens. This is big corporate business. No idyllic farmer and family providing meat and potatoes for America. Farmers don't even have freedom in America. Farmers are essentially contractors for industry and can't independently farm and bring their product to market here in America or overseas. WE ARE NOT FREE!

I was thinking about writing a book and I think I'm going to start here. We are not free; would document in print what I saw in that documentary and just expand on the socialist agriculture policy going on in America. The annual farm bill. I need to actually read these laws to see what they do or don't do; what they allow and or not allow. I have anecdotal information but I've never actually read the legislation, so I will start there.

More to come; now that I have a focus area.

The Journey: Phase 1 day one

Just starting reading Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt copyright 1951

Decided to start from the beginning. First started reading the book over a year ago but need to give a fresh look. As I mentioned in the list of books from my last post; this will include me reading and taking notes and then giving my opinion. This should feed me with insight on the kinds of information I believe to be important to save and share. As I continue to identify what is important to me; this exercise should inform what I do next; post surgery.

Hannah's book is about antisemitism and how that started; all the who, what, when, where and why questions are addressed. Along the way many topics come up and the first one from chapter 1 page 4, 3rd para ; is a discussion for how an idea can spark a movement towards discrimination on a national or international level. "wealth without visible function is much more intolerable because nobody can understand why it should be tolerated".

The quote above is applicable to our situation today. We have a pandemic (public health crisis) that is cratering the economy. Governments of major economic powers are propping up markets/banks/businesses. Part of our economic salad bowl are venture capitalists, hedge funds and other forms of asset management if you will. If some of these entities go down right now you have to ask the question about preserving them if they have no visible function; other than to make money speculating (gambling) on market conditions of individuals companies or concerns.

More importantly is the next important point Ms. Arendt makes: "Even exploitation and oppression still make society work and establish some kind of order. Only wealth without power or aloofness without a policy are felt to be parasitical, useless, revolting, because such conditions cut all threads which tie men together."(pg5,chp1,para3).

• This writing above is exactly what some folks feel around the world right now. As decisions are made for who to give money in relief to stabilize the economy due to #covid19. I find this quote instructive. I will leave it that for now.

I have a feeling this is going to be a lot of data; that is okay with me. Quarantine life is giving me something useful to produce.

I have to say right now...the word 'that' is useful. 0000.9% of the time. Makes it so hard to write and read.

Jon Stewart Interviews George Carlin

First post to get into self assessment! No book ,but this interview encapsulates what you should think about when evaluating your life.

The Journey

In Quarantine with time to think...I wrote earlier about me taking stock of myself for the next 4-6 months. Part of me taking stock will be to read and write. What do I mean by that? I will read a little from a handful of books I have started but not finished and then write a little on this blog/journal to make sure I capture what I think I read and then use that information to inform my self assessment and guide me to where I want to be. Maybe it is writing in and of itself. Don't know if it will take the form of a book but I could take advantage of all the tools available and self-publish. That is a thought. Would definitely have to be non-fiction with my evaluation of what I've experienced in life
and the types of things I care about.

Books on the docket:
- SEPARATE - Steve Luxenberg; Story of Plessy v Ferguson and America's Journey from Slavery to Segregation
- POLITICAL ORDER AND POLITICAL DECAY - Francis Fukuyama; From the Industrial Revolution to Globalization of Democracy
- THE PORTABLE ENLIGHTENMENT READER - Edited by Isaac Kramnick
- THE ORIGINS OF TOTALITARIANISM - Hannah Arendt

Need to note which book and chapter/paragraph I'm referencing each time so there is some order to all this.

I watched a TED talk today given by a Shaolin Monk. He said (paraphrasing) that if you never start you will never finish your climb. If you only talk to others about the climb or journey you want to take that the others have finished; you will never experience the uniqueness of that climb vicariously because it is not 'your' climb up the mountain. What others see at the peak of their achievement can never be appreciated by someone else or better yet experienced by someone else via a story or interview. You must make the climb and experience the view from the peak or however high you make it up the mountain to understand what it means to you.

I will add books to this list as I go. I have some books from college that I want to explore. I wish I had some of my old text books now; especially from my Critical Thinking class. That class shaped me at the time because I had never self assessed my own thought process. I am and continue to be somewhat ADHD. NOTE: mention this to the doctor after surgery to see if you can get meds. I need assistance with focus.

I know I could really get so much more done if I had the opportunity to really focus without my mind wandering. If that means medicating then so be it. You only live once in this portion of the multi-verse at least so if I can get some adderall I want that edge to produce what I care about.

April 16, 2020: Day closer to Surgery

I'm feeling apprehensive...supposed to have surgery 27 Apr 20 but I have a lingering cough (not covid-19) and have to have a chest xray on 20 Apr 20 to get cleared for surgery or not. It is a pain in the ass waiting for shit to happen. I read (more like skimmed over) an article from Mrs. Arizona 2020; who in 2017 was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4 that spread to her lungs. Four surgeries later and multiple rounds of chemo and radiation she is cancer free. Obviously there is hope so I feel good about my chances given my cancer is stage 3; shrunk during chemo and no trace in scans to surrounding lymph nodes. I just want to get it over with so I can move on with the rest of my life.
You end up in this standstill mode while undergoing treatment. I am still healthy and fortunate to have a job and am teleworking but I have had a lot of time on my hands and want to do something else career wise after surgery and treatment is done. I'm going to take this time to take stock of me during the next 4-6 months and update my resume and send it out. The world is going to change and I want to change along with it and work on issues that put me more in touch with caring for others.
I have ideas I just need to narrow down what matters. I am going to do a mission statement, value evaluation and set some goals. I have some near term stuff I can do to prep and I just need to get after it knowing that it will be all part of a broader plan.

Life Milestones; Death; Cancer

My grandmother passed away Saturday April 11, 1920...

I left Kansas City in Oct 1987 and never moved back...the fact that our family Matriarch is gone is a big deal! 4332 Benton Blvd, KCMO. The address! No other address matters in that city. That was our temple. Family temple. Everything started and happened at that house. I'm fifty one and will in a couple of weeks will have colorectal surgery. My grandmother had breast cancer as a black woman in the 1960's double mastectomy and lived to 92/93 years (not sure of birth date). I don't know where to begin with Mary Virginia Stone; so I won't try. She is my grandmother and is now passed on to the next life; whatever that might be.

Musings: Covid; cancer; whatever

Who knows what enters into the mind of a man at 10:57pm east coast time? It is COVID baby! I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. Is that bad? NO...no one has any idea what they are talking about right now.
I want philosophy. I want to think about us.

Ostomy Dr Visit...just random shit

I went to an appointment today to discuss my ostomy bag that I will have to wear after my surgery. Shit bag! I'm over it mentally; I think. Doesn't matter if I'm over it because I have to fucking do it regardless.

I need some goals...if anyone (me) is listening; I need goals to strive for in the next 3 to 4 months

One: Lose 40lbs
Two: Do 100 push ups a day
Three: ?????

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

COVID life

I knew going into this I wouldn't keep up the streak. I have never stayed the course on anything in my life. No reason to think it would change now. I did get really busy at work before all this covid shit hit us all in the mouth though. Now that I'm home everyday and will be for the next 3 to 4 months; maybe i will be more consistent. To be honest; typing is uncomfortable with this tingling/numbness in my fingers. What have ya'll been up to? I'm not sober! I will have to be post surgery though. Hard to stop something that has been holding you up for years.
I been watching the news like the rest of the world but I stopped with the staying glued to every word because it is stress I don't need. Back to reading now.
So what kind of shit do I read?
Archive.org
Go to that site; normally reserved for academics, students etc. Now free library for all due to the 'ronavirus'. Reading a textual criticism book about all the misquotations from what we all think we know as the Bible. I have grown into being a gnostic/atheist. I just refuse to accept the god of this world as handed down through millenia by men. I don't believe in eternal damnation, i.e, people burning in a lake of fire for trillions of years because we or I don't believe in Jesus. I personally think we die and just keep coming back. Life is long and hard for most and I refuse to believe a supernatural being has set up a hard and fast rule that would end up with the vast majority of motherfucka's dying and going to hell. Just can't square it up!
I have cancer surgery set up for 27 April 20...
We'll see if 'ronavirus' upsets that plan; if not i'm going under the knife on that day and then everything changes forever. Top 1/3 of my rectum is getting cut out. I don't know what kind of plumbing I will have left to process waste after all that. Will be compromised for the rest of my earthly life. Nothing else to say today. Stay well...don't know who I'm talking to but I guess it don't matter since this is my journal or writings for me. Later!