Capture 1

Keeping this separate from the rest of the shit I write down. 

Decided to start jotting down shit as it come to me.

Calling my mother later; have a nephew fresh from jail. Have to just force myself into these folks lives. Men in my family are men. We don't talk and we need to. 

21 July 2021

Starting a couple of books

Doing Justice...Preet Bharara #crime and Keise Laymon (I will get back on the title) 

Meanwhile enjoy thishttps://music.amazon.com/albums/B003KYKY3Q?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B003KYKYFE

This is like the modern day Hard Times from Run DMC 

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B01ACSXBJQ?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B01ACSXIWG

Sam Cooke saved, so I can come back to this

David Baldacci gotta read one of his every time i fly more than two hours from now on. Perfect stuff to be on a plane with. 

Had to run and catch the commuter train this morning. I can run with neuropathy and i need to do it. Prove it can be done. Document this shit. Emergence. Cancer, personal addiction and just every day! 

Damn. Take pictures and just start with some basics for 30 days. 

So many things in our lives will change if you do this. 30 day check!

Life Journey: Flipping the Page

 This time last year I was returning from Australia. I knew something was wrong with me and I was hoping it wasn't cancer but in my heart I knew it was. My father had cancer; fought it 8 years and ultimately passed. I had symptoms that I was stubbornly ignoring. I was not in a good place mentally, spiritually or physically. I had let myself be dominated by alcohol and tobacco. Deluding myself that I was functional (sometimes highly so) and I just kept justifying bad habits. 

I'm fortunate to be here and determined to get the most out of the rest of my time however long that is.

I know exactly what I need to do and it all about just doing it. 

Everyday; something positive. Everyday accomplish something. Setting goals. Re-establishing my personal mission statement for how I conduct my life. Nothing sappy; just hard work. Time to get it. 

Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Ostomy Dr Visit...just random shit

I went to an appointment today to discuss my ostomy bag that I will have to wear after my surgery. Shit bag! I'm over it mentally; I think. Doesn't matter if I'm over it because I have to fucking do it regardless.

I need some goals...if anyone (me) is listening; I need goals to strive for in the next 3 to 4 months

One: Lose 40lbs
Two: Do 100 push ups a day
Three: ?????

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

Radiation Complete

I'll post a picture of the certificate one of these days. It'll be easier than buying a frame and hanging it on my wall in the house and it will live forever in the ether that is the interweb. Now 20 Feb 20 or 20/02/2020...19 days sober. Still reading from the scrolls. Although radiation is over; I still have this neuropathy in my hands and feet. Sucks but bearable. I'm going to try and just get through it because I want to limit how much medication I'm taking between now and my surgery.
Not much to say...just wanted to get something in.

Another Day

17 Feb 2020

This writing streak is now three days deep! Two more days of radiation therapy left. Met with the Dr. this morning.Blood pressure was 123/67; which is the best mark by far in years actually. Had been hovering around 136/80 on average these last 8 months. I have been fortunate to not have high blood pressure as it runs in my family; as does heart disease. Still no alcohol! 16 days now. Not a record for me but significant nonetheless.
Skin just inside the top of my ass crack is affected by this radiation and I was worried I had blood in my stools but it's just open skin. My two forefingers and thumbs are numb and my feet still feel like they are perpetually asleep. All in all not bad given the poison and radiation in my system.
All these days of no alcohol are giving me back some of my previous joys in life. One is reading. My grandmother taught me how to read before I started kindergarten and I have always loved it. I read a variety of books; fiction, non-fiction, bios and all genres except true crime interest me. I've always been partial to sci-fi/fantasy. So intriguing and the fantasy lets you get away and dream. There is always some kernel of truth and wisdom in those books. I also love Robert Ludlum style books and David Baldacci. Just read the Last Man Standing in under 24 hours. Really good book! Having a clear mind is invigorating and is making me look forward to the coming spring.
I have some real work to do this spring earning a certification required for the job. I really need to buckle down and just get it over with. Involves online training that is just dull as hell and not terribly relevant to what I do everyday. I shouldn't really say that but it's just that I don't need dull but I have now put myself in a position that I have to get this done in the next 6 months so the crunch time aspect will at least give it some urgency.
Looking forward to the next 6 weeks starting 20 Feb 2020. That is when I will start the physical training. I plan to take a holistic approach to this physical training. Some will be traditional working out. I will hike and bike and use the work I need to do outside in my yard as part of the routine. A big part that I want to incorporate is stretching and breath work. I have an audio book by Dan Brule that is really good and I will start each day doing some of that breath work and stretching to get the blood flowing. 100 push ups and some core work each morning before I leave the house. You tube has some great at home workouts I plan to follow as well. I will post progress on here and note changes in my body after all this treatment. Gotta go get in some Og Mandino 1st scroll before I go to bed. No TV and reading the scrolls as the last thing you do before going to sleep will put my mind where it needs to be and then wake up and do it again tomorrow. New man...new life!