19 November 2019
This is my first post. I planned to post from the beginning of my diagnosis that dates back to August 12, 2019. I was diagnosed with a tumor in my colon. Stage 3 with some evidence of cancer in up to 3 lymph nodes. I started out in my mind with all kinds of confidence that I would blog daily and record this record for myself and others dealing with the same or similar issues.
Turns out; I was not ready to actually deal with this in as courageous a way as I was imagining in my mind. Cancer is not foreign to me. My father battled from 2006 - 2014 a similar condition. I thought I was equipped to deal and that I would just be able to blog and share but that has not been the case.
This is without a doubt the most difficult issue I've faced in my life. I was otherwise physically healthy. Mentally...not so much!
I want to be real...but to be real is to be honest. Honest enough to say what I really struggle with everyday. Also understanding that what I write here can and will reach a much wider audience. I'm not sure I'm ready for that!
So; I will take small steps and just talk about what I've experienced to date. Maybe others can join this conversation and speak on their experiences.
BACKGROUND
I first started experiencing symptoms dating back to the first part of 2019; meaning January 2019. I had blood when I wiped after bowel movements. I thought it was external blood traces after wiping. I was in denial. I was not fatigued yet or exhibiting blood in stools per se. Since my father had colon cancer I should have immediately went to my doctor but I just didn't want to face facts. Fast forward 6 months and I was doing yard work one morning and I had to stop 3 times to catch my breath. This had never happened before. I could typically cut my entire front yard; weed eat/trim, and blow away debris in one entire sequence. This day I got an early start before heat set in and I still had to stop and gather myself 3 times. Something just wasn't right. I was in the middle of a couple of business trips; actually 3 trips. One to Boston, another to Rome, NY and then on to Australia. So I was fairly busy!
The grass cutting lack of energy episode occurred after my Rome NY trip just prior to heading off to Australia. I was trying to get some work done, so i wouldn't have to worry about anything coming up while I was out of the country. I powered through and finished the front and back that day and two days later set off for Australia.
For anyone who has traveled a long distance; you can understand that sometimes your cycles of sleep and bodily functions are not aligned. Once in Australia I landed and for the first couple of days I did not feel anything abnormal other than the time change. Two days in I had a bowel movement and it was extremely abnormal. Very much diarrhea like and very bloody! I knew then something was wrong.
Now we get into the other stuff going on in my life; that I've been loathe to discuss. This will have to wait until tomorrow or whenever I get back to this blog to discuss. I have to face some hard truths and be truthful in order for this to be a useful journal.
15 Feb 2019
So much for daily or any consistency whatsoever. I'm not through systemic chemotherapy treatments and 3 Radiation treatments away from being done with the treatments altogether prior to surgery. I'm also 14 sober for the first time in many years. Back in 2010; I went about 29 days or so sober. That was before; when I was 40 years old and healthy. I just turned 51 years old; 12 Feb 20. So 11 years later and I pretty much drank something everyday until 1 Feb 2020. This is the hard truth I was alluding too at the end of that post back in November. I've been weak minded for so long. Negative habits are extremely difficult to overcome. I've made every excuse in the book. So far my behavior hasn't completely destroyed my life and for that I'm just a very lucky son a bitch. There are so many times in the last 11 years that I could have completely destroyed my life and the lives of every one that has relied on me. I'm done beating myself up over this. Life is as hard as you make it. All I can do is control the issues I have direct control over and face all the other issues that come up with a sober mind and focus.
As far as the cancer goes; I don't know what to say. I have responded well to all treatments. My CEA levels during the systemic portion of the Chemo went from 35 ng/ml down to 3.5 ng/ml or normal range. All my normal lab work during Chemo has been good. I have not significant side effects from radiation other than fatigue and some pain in my feet and hands. My feet and hands feel like they are asleep and I can shake the numbing and tingling. Could be worse I guess; so I'll take this and focus on what comes next after radiation ends on 19 Feb 20. I don't know when I will write again. No point in making some grand pronouncement about writing everyday when I know myself. I won't do that...never have and likely never will. I do know that as of 15 Feb 20; I believe I can avoid alcohol for the first time in my life or I should say adult life.
I have done a few small things to get organized lately and I do write in a journal...basically just stuff to focus on for the day. I mention the no alcohol for everyday that passes so far. I also downloaded a book my older brother bought for me 30 years ago. Og Mandino; The Greatest Salesman in the World. Very powerful positive thinking and good habit form book. I plan to follow the prescription laid out in that book. Get it for yourself. I have a feeling I will be back on here more. I deleted Twitter on my phone today. What a waste of time. If I'm able to exchange Twitter for this blog then I'm apt to write a personal journal bigger than I can imagine right.
Some stuff I've had success with to pass on to anyone who might come across this:
Rooibos Tea - for me awesome. I buy it at Wegmans. Not really tea and no caffeine but it is great. Was drinking it daily while on long chemo treatments and have no doubt it helped
Breath work - Some kind of focused breathing routine. Helps calm nerves and gets oxygen into your blood stream
No red meat - works for me...lots of bananas, apples and oranges. Black Coffee...I couldn't drink it on Chemo but now the taste is tolerable again and it just works to have the jolt of energy to counteract the fatigue.
That's all; nothing cosmic and oh yeah. DON'T GIVE UP!
