The Main Reason for this Journal

 On the blog page I have a rubric of sorts I came up with during my first stay in jail last year. 

Then I went further and went to in patient rehab and worked on this idea more. 

The focus is on my recovery, but it can be anyone's. I feel the need to document everything I've been thinking about for the last 18 months. These truths about living my life with much more purpose and meaning have helped me get to a place where I finally feel like I have my own life. 

I began to develop my own thesis on what is ultimately wrong with America in general and it's that people just do not care anymore. It is frightening at times to see just how close the United States is to hurtling either itself or some major part of the world into a deep abiding economic and climate stressed depression. 

Since I have my own internal demons to conquer, I decided to develop a way for me to focus myself on staying sober and acting more intentionally every day. C. A. R. E. 

Each letter is associated with words of positive affirmation. 

Each morning (preferably) I will write a letter; i.e., A and a positive affirmation such as "Atonement". That will be my focus for the day. To pray, to seek and or to work on something that is directly related to working to be better than my former self. 

That is it for now. Pick a different letter each day and an associated positive word and focus everyday on something related. Also...take a look at a book called Recovery Dharma. 

Copied here is another thing I do daily (most of the time) and that is focus on the core principles of Buddhist mindset for daily life. 

FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS AND THE EIGHT-FOLD PATH

I.                THERE IS SUFFERING, I COMMIT TO UNDERSTANDING THE TRUTH OF SUFFERING.

II.              THERE IS CAUSE OF SUFFERING, I COMMIT TO UNDERSTANDING CRAVING LEADS TO SUFFERING.

III.            THERE IS AN END TO SUFFERING, I COMMIT TO UNDERSTANDING AND EXPERIENCING THAT LESS CRAVING LEADS TO LESS SUFFERING.

IV.            THERE IS A PATH THAT LEADS TO THE END OF SUFFERING, I COMMIT TO CULTIVATING THE PATH.

EIGHT-FOLD PATH

1.       WISE UNDERSTANDING

2.       WISE INTENTION

3.       WISE SPEECH

4.       WISE ACTION

5.       WISE LIVELIHOOD

6.       WISE EFFORT

7.       WISE MINDFULNESS

8.       WISE CONCENTRATION

In the Recovery Dharma book; each element is explained and shows you the relationship to a mindset change required in addiction recovery. 

I will endeavor to persevere' [credit to the movie, The Outlaw Josey Wales]

Medical Equipment for the Under Served

During a recent visit to see my Ostomy nurse. I found out some information that has spurred an idea in my mind to set up a non-profit organization to assist the under insured. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colo-rectal cancer in Aug 2019. I have subsequently under gone chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. After surgery; I've worn an illeostomy bag for the last 10 weeks. I am fortunate that my ostomy will be reversed; so, I will not need to order supplies long term. If this were not the case and my ostomy was permanent; I am equally fortunate to have insurance (military retiree) that would cover almost all cost associated with said equipment and or supplies. 
My concern going forward are those people who have to face life with a bowel diversion without the resources to adequately supply or care for themselves. I recently found out about two volunteers that work out of a hospital near my home that operate a free Ostomy/Medical supply closet. The cancer center at this hospital allows the volunteers to use excess office space to store donated supplies. Once a week the volunteers are available for anyone to walk-in and obtain whatever supplies are available. This is currently the only location I'm aware that offers this type of service. The volunteers that helped me the other day told there is another hospital north of where I live that would like to set up a similar ability to help the under insured in their area. 
I plan to work with the two volunteers I met to assist them with 1) spreading the word; and 2) organization and communication via the internet, and social media to more effectively advertise for the types of supplies that are sorely needed. After my surgery I knew I wanted to do something to help others and this effort looks like a great way to grow a desperately needed service in this and other communities in the state of Virginia. 

Life Journey: Flipping the Page

 This time last year I was returning from Australia. I knew something was wrong with me and I was hoping it wasn't cancer but in my heart I knew it was. My father had cancer; fought it 8 years and ultimately passed. I had symptoms that I was stubbornly ignoring. I was not in a good place mentally, spiritually or physically. I had let myself be dominated by alcohol and tobacco. Deluding myself that I was functional (sometimes highly so) and I just kept justifying bad habits. 

I'm fortunate to be here and determined to get the most out of the rest of my time however long that is.

I know exactly what I need to do and it all about just doing it. 

Everyday; something positive. Everyday accomplish something. Setting goals. Re-establishing my personal mission statement for how I conduct my life. Nothing sappy; just hard work. Time to get it. 

Suspended Animation

Time is creeping...
 I'm grateful beyond words that I'm doing well after my initial cancer diagnosis last August 2019. I know cancer can come back and I'm optimistic I can remain cancer free going forward. I still have issues that I need to overcome to lessen chances for a resurgence; I'm dealing with those and will have to document when I have actually quit tobacco and alcohol and gone to 80% plant based diet. I am close but not there yet. I still have to get this ostomy reversal surgery done so I can begin my personal fitness in earnest.

Time just keeps creeping though. Any other year and you look back and say where has the time gone. Not 2020...seconds, minutes, hours and days are all somehow stretching out this year. Seems like everyday is negative in this covid world. Just getting some thoughts off my chest. Hard to focus! I have a lot to do; yet, I can't seem to get on a path to taking those first steps.

The world is changing or at least is pausing until we get a vaccine and maybe a cure or other effective treatment for COVID. The US has so much we can be better at as a nation. Police brutality and racism is not new for me or any other black person of my age (51). I've dealt with it my whole life and don't see that changing regardless of what is going on with all the protest. Read history and we have been here before. Many times in virtually every decade since the end of the Civil War there have been movements to try and make things better for black americans. I'm not optimistic!

I want to be; I just can't deny history and the failings of human beings throughout history.

There is a book called Eye of the Spirit by Ken Wilbur (will correct later if wrong). Talks about the hierarchical nature of being. There is one whole that builds upon itself; evolving ever more. Part of that whole or holarchy is the stimuli that created what manifest as racism. In order to remove this from the human experience you would have to have a way to go in to the whole of a person and remove those strands of hate and racism that were experienced or taught. This is not possible in a human. Even if a person; on a strictly personal level doesn't hate blacks, asians, latinos or any other person of color. It does not matter because the imprint of the whole of their learning; conscious or unconscious it part of their DNA. To remove it in the future would require us to take our knowledge of technology and create a merged race of humans and androids and then have a program or applications that targets the strands of human DNA that are flawed by experience and erase hate strands and replace them with empathy, tolerance and shared learning to observe the positive and build up and nurture those positive experiences. 

We must engage what we have learned to be right through our collective experience. This is a quote I love. If we don't get better by understanding what we have done wrong in the past then we are like the Churchmen in antiquity that refused to follow Galileo's learning and the look through the telescope. 

Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!

Life Milestones; Death; Cancer

My grandmother passed away Saturday April 11, 1920...

I left Kansas City in Oct 1987 and never moved back...the fact that our family Matriarch is gone is a big deal! 4332 Benton Blvd, KCMO. The address! No other address matters in that city. That was our temple. Family temple. Everything started and happened at that house. I'm fifty one and will in a couple of weeks will have colorectal surgery. My grandmother had breast cancer as a black woman in the 1960's double mastectomy and lived to 92/93 years (not sure of birth date). I don't know where to begin with Mary Virginia Stone; so I won't try. She is my grandmother and is now passed on to the next life; whatever that might be.

Musings: Covid; cancer; whatever

Who knows what enters into the mind of a man at 10:57pm east coast time? It is COVID baby! I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. Is that bad? NO...no one has any idea what they are talking about right now.
I want philosophy. I want to think about us.

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

COVID life

I knew going into this I wouldn't keep up the streak. I have never stayed the course on anything in my life. No reason to think it would change now. I did get really busy at work before all this covid shit hit us all in the mouth though. Now that I'm home everyday and will be for the next 3 to 4 months; maybe i will be more consistent. To be honest; typing is uncomfortable with this tingling/numbness in my fingers. What have ya'll been up to? I'm not sober! I will have to be post surgery though. Hard to stop something that has been holding you up for years.
I been watching the news like the rest of the world but I stopped with the staying glued to every word because it is stress I don't need. Back to reading now.
So what kind of shit do I read?
Archive.org
Go to that site; normally reserved for academics, students etc. Now free library for all due to the 'ronavirus'. Reading a textual criticism book about all the misquotations from what we all think we know as the Bible. I have grown into being a gnostic/atheist. I just refuse to accept the god of this world as handed down through millenia by men. I don't believe in eternal damnation, i.e, people burning in a lake of fire for trillions of years because we or I don't believe in Jesus. I personally think we die and just keep coming back. Life is long and hard for most and I refuse to believe a supernatural being has set up a hard and fast rule that would end up with the vast majority of motherfucka's dying and going to hell. Just can't square it up!
I have cancer surgery set up for 27 April 20...
We'll see if 'ronavirus' upsets that plan; if not i'm going under the knife on that day and then everything changes forever. Top 1/3 of my rectum is getting cut out. I don't know what kind of plumbing I will have left to process waste after all that. Will be compromised for the rest of my earthly life. Nothing else to say today. Stay well...don't know who I'm talking to but I guess it don't matter since this is my journal or writings for me. Later!

Radiation Complete

I'll post a picture of the certificate one of these days. It'll be easier than buying a frame and hanging it on my wall in the house and it will live forever in the ether that is the interweb. Now 20 Feb 20 or 20/02/2020...19 days sober. Still reading from the scrolls. Although radiation is over; I still have this neuropathy in my hands and feet. Sucks but bearable. I'm going to try and just get through it because I want to limit how much medication I'm taking between now and my surgery.
Not much to say...just wanted to get something in.

Another Day

17 Feb 2020

This writing streak is now three days deep! Two more days of radiation therapy left. Met with the Dr. this morning.Blood pressure was 123/67; which is the best mark by far in years actually. Had been hovering around 136/80 on average these last 8 months. I have been fortunate to not have high blood pressure as it runs in my family; as does heart disease. Still no alcohol! 16 days now. Not a record for me but significant nonetheless.
Skin just inside the top of my ass crack is affected by this radiation and I was worried I had blood in my stools but it's just open skin. My two forefingers and thumbs are numb and my feet still feel like they are perpetually asleep. All in all not bad given the poison and radiation in my system.
All these days of no alcohol are giving me back some of my previous joys in life. One is reading. My grandmother taught me how to read before I started kindergarten and I have always loved it. I read a variety of books; fiction, non-fiction, bios and all genres except true crime interest me. I've always been partial to sci-fi/fantasy. So intriguing and the fantasy lets you get away and dream. There is always some kernel of truth and wisdom in those books. I also love Robert Ludlum style books and David Baldacci. Just read the Last Man Standing in under 24 hours. Really good book! Having a clear mind is invigorating and is making me look forward to the coming spring.
I have some real work to do this spring earning a certification required for the job. I really need to buckle down and just get it over with. Involves online training that is just dull as hell and not terribly relevant to what I do everyday. I shouldn't really say that but it's just that I don't need dull but I have now put myself in a position that I have to get this done in the next 6 months so the crunch time aspect will at least give it some urgency.
Looking forward to the next 6 weeks starting 20 Feb 2020. That is when I will start the physical training. I plan to take a holistic approach to this physical training. Some will be traditional working out. I will hike and bike and use the work I need to do outside in my yard as part of the routine. A big part that I want to incorporate is stretching and breath work. I have an audio book by Dan Brule that is really good and I will start each day doing some of that breath work and stretching to get the blood flowing. 100 push ups and some core work each morning before I leave the house. You tube has some great at home workouts I plan to follow as well. I will post progress on here and note changes in my body after all this treatment. Gotta go get in some Og Mandino 1st scroll before I go to bed. No TV and reading the scrolls as the last thing you do before going to sleep will put my mind where it needs to be and then wake up and do it again tomorrow. New man...new life!