Capture 1

Keeping this separate from the rest of the shit I write down. 

Decided to start jotting down shit as it come to me.

Calling my mother later; have a nephew fresh from jail. Have to just force myself into these folks lives. Men in my family are men. We don't talk and we need to. 

21 July 2021

Starting a couple of books

Doing Justice...Preet Bharara #crime and Keise Laymon (I will get back on the title) 

Meanwhile enjoy thishttps://music.amazon.com/albums/B003KYKY3Q?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B003KYKYFE

This is like the modern day Hard Times from Run DMC 

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B01ACSXBJQ?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B01ACSXIWG

Sam Cooke saved, so I can come back to this

David Baldacci gotta read one of his every time i fly more than two hours from now on. Perfect stuff to be on a plane with. 

Had to run and catch the commuter train this morning. I can run with neuropathy and i need to do it. Prove it can be done. Document this shit. Emergence. Cancer, personal addiction and just every day! 

Damn. Take pictures and just start with some basics for 30 days. 

So many things in our lives will change if you do this. 30 day check!

Life Journey: Flipping the Page

 This time last year I was returning from Australia. I knew something was wrong with me and I was hoping it wasn't cancer but in my heart I knew it was. My father had cancer; fought it 8 years and ultimately passed. I had symptoms that I was stubbornly ignoring. I was not in a good place mentally, spiritually or physically. I had let myself be dominated by alcohol and tobacco. Deluding myself that I was functional (sometimes highly so) and I just kept justifying bad habits. 

I'm fortunate to be here and determined to get the most out of the rest of my time however long that is.

I know exactly what I need to do and it all about just doing it. 

Everyday; something positive. Everyday accomplish something. Setting goals. Re-establishing my personal mission statement for how I conduct my life. Nothing sappy; just hard work. Time to get it. 

The Journey: Phase 1 day one

Just starting reading Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt copyright 1951

Decided to start from the beginning. First started reading the book over a year ago but need to give a fresh look. As I mentioned in the list of books from my last post; this will include me reading and taking notes and then giving my opinion. This should feed me with insight on the kinds of information I believe to be important to save and share. As I continue to identify what is important to me; this exercise should inform what I do next; post surgery.

Hannah's book is about antisemitism and how that started; all the who, what, when, where and why questions are addressed. Along the way many topics come up and the first one from chapter 1 page 4, 3rd para ; is a discussion for how an idea can spark a movement towards discrimination on a national or international level. "wealth without visible function is much more intolerable because nobody can understand why it should be tolerated".

The quote above is applicable to our situation today. We have a pandemic (public health crisis) that is cratering the economy. Governments of major economic powers are propping up markets/banks/businesses. Part of our economic salad bowl are venture capitalists, hedge funds and other forms of asset management if you will. If some of these entities go down right now you have to ask the question about preserving them if they have no visible function; other than to make money speculating (gambling) on market conditions of individuals companies or concerns.

More importantly is the next important point Ms. Arendt makes: "Even exploitation and oppression still make society work and establish some kind of order. Only wealth without power or aloofness without a policy are felt to be parasitical, useless, revolting, because such conditions cut all threads which tie men together."(pg5,chp1,para3).

• This writing above is exactly what some folks feel around the world right now. As decisions are made for who to give money in relief to stabilize the economy due to #covid19. I find this quote instructive. I will leave it that for now.

I have a feeling this is going to be a lot of data; that is okay with me. Quarantine life is giving me something useful to produce.

I have to say right now...the word 'that' is useful. 0000.9% of the time. Makes it so hard to write and read.

April 16, 2020: Day closer to Surgery

I'm feeling apprehensive...supposed to have surgery 27 Apr 20 but I have a lingering cough (not covid-19) and have to have a chest xray on 20 Apr 20 to get cleared for surgery or not. It is a pain in the ass waiting for shit to happen. I read (more like skimmed over) an article from Mrs. Arizona 2020; who in 2017 was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4 that spread to her lungs. Four surgeries later and multiple rounds of chemo and radiation she is cancer free. Obviously there is hope so I feel good about my chances given my cancer is stage 3; shrunk during chemo and no trace in scans to surrounding lymph nodes. I just want to get it over with so I can move on with the rest of my life.
You end up in this standstill mode while undergoing treatment. I am still healthy and fortunate to have a job and am teleworking but I have had a lot of time on my hands and want to do something else career wise after surgery and treatment is done. I'm going to take this time to take stock of me during the next 4-6 months and update my resume and send it out. The world is going to change and I want to change along with it and work on issues that put me more in touch with caring for others.
I have ideas I just need to narrow down what matters. I am going to do a mission statement, value evaluation and set some goals. I have some near term stuff I can do to prep and I just need to get after it knowing that it will be all part of a broader plan.

Life Milestones; Death; Cancer

My grandmother passed away Saturday April 11, 1920...

I left Kansas City in Oct 1987 and never moved back...the fact that our family Matriarch is gone is a big deal! 4332 Benton Blvd, KCMO. The address! No other address matters in that city. That was our temple. Family temple. Everything started and happened at that house. I'm fifty one and will in a couple of weeks will have colorectal surgery. My grandmother had breast cancer as a black woman in the 1960's double mastectomy and lived to 92/93 years (not sure of birth date). I don't know where to begin with Mary Virginia Stone; so I won't try. She is my grandmother and is now passed on to the next life; whatever that might be.

Ostomy Dr Visit...just random shit

I went to an appointment today to discuss my ostomy bag that I will have to wear after my surgery. Shit bag! I'm over it mentally; I think. Doesn't matter if I'm over it because I have to fucking do it regardless.

I need some goals...if anyone (me) is listening; I need goals to strive for in the next 3 to 4 months

One: Lose 40lbs
Two: Do 100 push ups a day
Three: ?????

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

COVID life

I knew going into this I wouldn't keep up the streak. I have never stayed the course on anything in my life. No reason to think it would change now. I did get really busy at work before all this covid shit hit us all in the mouth though. Now that I'm home everyday and will be for the next 3 to 4 months; maybe i will be more consistent. To be honest; typing is uncomfortable with this tingling/numbness in my fingers. What have ya'll been up to? I'm not sober! I will have to be post surgery though. Hard to stop something that has been holding you up for years.
I been watching the news like the rest of the world but I stopped with the staying glued to every word because it is stress I don't need. Back to reading now.
So what kind of shit do I read?
Archive.org
Go to that site; normally reserved for academics, students etc. Now free library for all due to the 'ronavirus'. Reading a textual criticism book about all the misquotations from what we all think we know as the Bible. I have grown into being a gnostic/atheist. I just refuse to accept the god of this world as handed down through millenia by men. I don't believe in eternal damnation, i.e, people burning in a lake of fire for trillions of years because we or I don't believe in Jesus. I personally think we die and just keep coming back. Life is long and hard for most and I refuse to believe a supernatural being has set up a hard and fast rule that would end up with the vast majority of motherfucka's dying and going to hell. Just can't square it up!
I have cancer surgery set up for 27 April 20...
We'll see if 'ronavirus' upsets that plan; if not i'm going under the knife on that day and then everything changes forever. Top 1/3 of my rectum is getting cut out. I don't know what kind of plumbing I will have left to process waste after all that. Will be compromised for the rest of my earthly life. Nothing else to say today. Stay well...don't know who I'm talking to but I guess it don't matter since this is my journal or writings for me. Later!

Another Day

17 Feb 2020

This writing streak is now three days deep! Two more days of radiation therapy left. Met with the Dr. this morning.Blood pressure was 123/67; which is the best mark by far in years actually. Had been hovering around 136/80 on average these last 8 months. I have been fortunate to not have high blood pressure as it runs in my family; as does heart disease. Still no alcohol! 16 days now. Not a record for me but significant nonetheless.
Skin just inside the top of my ass crack is affected by this radiation and I was worried I had blood in my stools but it's just open skin. My two forefingers and thumbs are numb and my feet still feel like they are perpetually asleep. All in all not bad given the poison and radiation in my system.
All these days of no alcohol are giving me back some of my previous joys in life. One is reading. My grandmother taught me how to read before I started kindergarten and I have always loved it. I read a variety of books; fiction, non-fiction, bios and all genres except true crime interest me. I've always been partial to sci-fi/fantasy. So intriguing and the fantasy lets you get away and dream. There is always some kernel of truth and wisdom in those books. I also love Robert Ludlum style books and David Baldacci. Just read the Last Man Standing in under 24 hours. Really good book! Having a clear mind is invigorating and is making me look forward to the coming spring.
I have some real work to do this spring earning a certification required for the job. I really need to buckle down and just get it over with. Involves online training that is just dull as hell and not terribly relevant to what I do everyday. I shouldn't really say that but it's just that I don't need dull but I have now put myself in a position that I have to get this done in the next 6 months so the crunch time aspect will at least give it some urgency.
Looking forward to the next 6 weeks starting 20 Feb 2020. That is when I will start the physical training. I plan to take a holistic approach to this physical training. Some will be traditional working out. I will hike and bike and use the work I need to do outside in my yard as part of the routine. A big part that I want to incorporate is stretching and breath work. I have an audio book by Dan Brule that is really good and I will start each day doing some of that breath work and stretching to get the blood flowing. 100 push ups and some core work each morning before I leave the house. You tube has some great at home workouts I plan to follow as well. I will post progress on here and note changes in my body after all this treatment. Gotta go get in some Og Mandino 1st scroll before I go to bed. No TV and reading the scrolls as the last thing you do before going to sleep will put my mind where it needs to be and then wake up and do it again tomorrow. New man...new life!