The Next Chapter

 As always I am nothing if not inconsistent. I always intended for this space to be a journal of sorts. But true to my nature; not so much! There is a lot to unpack in 2020. I had COVID...got past the initial issues and have tested negative. I need to do some research and figure what this actually means. My symptoms were essentially traditional flu-like; however, as I know...many people around the world adopt severe complications and die. 

I was fortunate!

It is about two weeks till 2021

I generally know what I want the new year to look like but then again; i have no idea what is coming. I have written down what I need to do on a personal level in this space and fully intend to complete everything I expressed. 

I now have a new reality in my life and I want this new reality to be more present in my everyday!

Things I intend and will do in the first 100 days of the new year:

- Finish requirements and schedule completion of my job related certification requirements

- Continue to physically get in better shape and reclaim what i let lapse and lost during cancer treatment

- Do morning breath work and meditation/prayer to start my day; everyday!

- Be less angry and just more focused

- Divest of all social media...no more twitter

- Drink alcohol only sporadically if at all; just a brain drain...don't need it

- Investigate acupuncture to deal with neuropathy

- Be there for &!^$@ (only I know what this means!)

Other things that are more frivolous but still serious to me:

- Win big in Draft Kings...obviously important to no one but me; but important nonetheless

- Find time to spend with &!^$@...will be difficult but is something we both need

- Write professionally

- Listen to more comedy and find comedians that I have never heard before

Medical Equipment for the Under Served

During a recent visit to see my Ostomy nurse. I found out some information that has spurred an idea in my mind to set up a non-profit organization to assist the under insured. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colo-rectal cancer in Aug 2019. I have subsequently under gone chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. After surgery; I've worn an illeostomy bag for the last 10 weeks. I am fortunate that my ostomy will be reversed; so, I will not need to order supplies long term. If this were not the case and my ostomy was permanent; I am equally fortunate to have insurance (military retiree) that would cover almost all cost associated with said equipment and or supplies. 
My concern going forward are those people who have to face life with a bowel diversion without the resources to adequately supply or care for themselves. I recently found out about two volunteers that work out of a hospital near my home that operate a free Ostomy/Medical supply closet. The cancer center at this hospital allows the volunteers to use excess office space to store donated supplies. Once a week the volunteers are available for anyone to walk-in and obtain whatever supplies are available. This is currently the only location I'm aware that offers this type of service. The volunteers that helped me the other day told there is another hospital north of where I live that would like to set up a similar ability to help the under insured in their area. 
I plan to work with the two volunteers I met to assist them with 1) spreading the word; and 2) organization and communication via the internet, and social media to more effectively advertise for the types of supplies that are sorely needed. After my surgery I knew I wanted to do something to help others and this effort looks like a great way to grow a desperately needed service in this and other communities in the state of Virginia. 

Life Journey: Flipping the Page

 This time last year I was returning from Australia. I knew something was wrong with me and I was hoping it wasn't cancer but in my heart I knew it was. My father had cancer; fought it 8 years and ultimately passed. I had symptoms that I was stubbornly ignoring. I was not in a good place mentally, spiritually or physically. I had let myself be dominated by alcohol and tobacco. Deluding myself that I was functional (sometimes highly so) and I just kept justifying bad habits. 

I'm fortunate to be here and determined to get the most out of the rest of my time however long that is.

I know exactly what I need to do and it all about just doing it. 

Everyday; something positive. Everyday accomplish something. Setting goals. Re-establishing my personal mission statement for how I conduct my life. Nothing sappy; just hard work. Time to get it. 

Journey (Restart): Cancer Recovery and other Stuff

Different font; different style; different aim?

Almost one year to the day I was diagnosed with Colorectal Cancer; Stage 3; slight or indicated penetration through membranes. Potential incursion into lymph nodes in the area. 

Not the best news! But, it is what it is or what it is was. Been through treatment; no cancer in post surgery pathology report. About to reverse my ostomy and start a process to exceed where I was pre-diagnosis.

What will that look like? I have ideas. Some I have written about in this space. 

Today, all the ideas i have contemplated have new meaning or new drive to achieve or complete. 

A person; so very dear to me has re-entered my life and have motivated something deep within...i felt was gone. A flame is being rekindled. Heat is building and it will not be extinguished.

Diversion

Wanted to document this while it is on my mind. Doesn't have anything to do with what I have normally chosen to put in this space (i think).

About an hour ago I was watching CNN and they had a guest talking about the coronavirus. He said something that makes me think really hard about what we are dealing with. The guest said that medical science; i.e., biologist are just now starting to understand the effects of covid infection. Apparently, according to this guest...covid has shown signs of infecting multiple areas of the body; not just the respiratory track or lung function. Covid is showing up in the brain? It could be nothing but it could also mean you could have this virus hanging out in areas of the body figuring out how to interact with other cells. Mean time while covid is doing this; we don't even know we have covid. Asymptomatic. Yeah that word.

Covid could infect you and not manifest for a long time? We don't know. This is a brand new thing for science to investigate. This could take fucking years to fully understand. We are no where near anarchy in this country. Our version of the human race and particularly in America won't allow that to happen. Not because we are good or better than anyone.

Just the opposite. The pig-headed folk that make up the majority of this country; black, white, brown, yellow and white. Won't let anarchy come because come hell or high water; these folk will demand to carry on as usual and will shout as loud as they can that they are willing to take that risk. So America will stare this in the face and some will die and most will live but the retarded American consumption economy is the only thing that matters. Eventually because we will have gathered so much knowledge about covid we will have a vaccine and just like the flu industry now. We will have a new set of medications and an entire industry dedicated to COVID relief. Think of all those billions of dollars waiting to be had.

Fuck; if I'm #JoeBiden that is my fucking play right now. Covid is here and it is going no where. What can we do to live responsibly in that covid-19 reality? How can America use this to our advantage and stay strong and prosperous? First get fucking rid of this disaster of a human being #trump in this next election. To get America anywhere near where we need to be, we have to stop the fucking clown show now.

I was able to write something and I pulled it back. Is that right to do in this space? Stop yourself from venting? Won't do that again. Everything I think is worthy even if it is fucked up in the moment. You will at least acknowledge the stupidity and learn?  (personal moment)

Journey: Day ???

???

The question is! Whatever you want it to be...our reality is so skewed right now. Speech in front of Mount Rushmore. Something should matter but what? This entire world order is a sham. No one knows what to do or what to recommend as the solution. I can think of one.

Studying how humans survived through the millenia. It has been documented that one way humans survived and continue to survive extinction is by biological diversity.

There is no one master race with a superior genome. Humanoids have to diversify to evolve. The earth around us will always change based on changes in the environment. Species that survive are never one strain; i.e, anglo/saxon or white or caucasian or whatever name you want to put to a particular race.

Humans survive through genetic diversification. Humans inter breed and get the best of all possible worlds in the process. That is the key to life and survival of our species.

Unfortunately; it is too late. People talk of "artificial" intelligence. What the fuck does that mean? What we have emerging is learned intelligence. It is genuine and real. Nothing artificial or abstract about it. Humans have created machines that can and have learned. Over many years these machines have and are learning and can discard what they perceive as the worst of us and move on.

It will happen one day! The AI/ML androids will absorb/accumulate the known canon of knowledge and will come to the conclusion that our version of humans can't exist.

Suspended Animation

Time is creeping...
 I'm grateful beyond words that I'm doing well after my initial cancer diagnosis last August 2019. I know cancer can come back and I'm optimistic I can remain cancer free going forward. I still have issues that I need to overcome to lessen chances for a resurgence; I'm dealing with those and will have to document when I have actually quit tobacco and alcohol and gone to 80% plant based diet. I am close but not there yet. I still have to get this ostomy reversal surgery done so I can begin my personal fitness in earnest.

Time just keeps creeping though. Any other year and you look back and say where has the time gone. Not 2020...seconds, minutes, hours and days are all somehow stretching out this year. Seems like everyday is negative in this covid world. Just getting some thoughts off my chest. Hard to focus! I have a lot to do; yet, I can't seem to get on a path to taking those first steps.

The world is changing or at least is pausing until we get a vaccine and maybe a cure or other effective treatment for COVID. The US has so much we can be better at as a nation. Police brutality and racism is not new for me or any other black person of my age (51). I've dealt with it my whole life and don't see that changing regardless of what is going on with all the protest. Read history and we have been here before. Many times in virtually every decade since the end of the Civil War there have been movements to try and make things better for black americans. I'm not optimistic!

I want to be; I just can't deny history and the failings of human beings throughout history.

There is a book called Eye of the Spirit by Ken Wilbur (will correct later if wrong). Talks about the hierarchical nature of being. There is one whole that builds upon itself; evolving ever more. Part of that whole or holarchy is the stimuli that created what manifest as racism. In order to remove this from the human experience you would have to have a way to go in to the whole of a person and remove those strands of hate and racism that were experienced or taught. This is not possible in a human. Even if a person; on a strictly personal level doesn't hate blacks, asians, latinos or any other person of color. It does not matter because the imprint of the whole of their learning; conscious or unconscious it part of their DNA. To remove it in the future would require us to take our knowledge of technology and create a merged race of humans and androids and then have a program or applications that targets the strands of human DNA that are flawed by experience and erase hate strands and replace them with empathy, tolerance and shared learning to observe the positive and build up and nurture those positive experiences. 

We must engage what we have learned to be right through our collective experience. This is a quote I love. If we don't get better by understanding what we have done wrong in the past then we are like the Churchmen in antiquity that refused to follow Galileo's learning and the look through the telescope. 

Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Journey Phase 1 Day 7

Surgery complete! It is early in the morning the day after and i haven't talked to the Doctor yet. My wife talked to the surgeon after i was out of the procedure and was given positive news. I will write more when i know more.

30 April 20

Last two days have been intense. I now have a NG tube. Needed because i had so much fluid in stomach that was not processing through my bowels. since i had anesthesia on both sides of my bowels, it took longer for them to wake up. The pain associated with this is intense. Coming out of it now.  Once i get on a computer i will be able to write more. 

Difficult not having folks visit. I have to just keep some notes for now and come back later and refine it. Pain meds make it hard to focus. The drugs work. 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!

Journey Phase 1 Day 5 continued: Chamath Palihapitiya, Founder and CEO Social Capital, on Money as an Ins...

This is one of those discussions that I ran across that is definitely worth sharing and just making sure I have available in my own space to go back and listen to. I'm going to start sharing with my son and daughter because I want them to know what I'm thinking and the kinds of things I care about. This is worth listening to for anybody that cares.



One of the things I did that Chamath does is I gave up FaceBook. I haven't given up Twitter and I'm glad I didn't because I would likely have never come across this dude. Good stuff!

Journey: Phase 1 Day 4 or 5 (can't remember)

CT Scan I had done came back clear. The cynic in me believes it was ordered just to squeeze more money out of the Military Heathcare System that I am fortunate to be a part of. I know the team is just trying to make sure I'm healthy going in to this; so I will suspend my jaded attitude.

Just finished clearing out shit at work and handing off responsibilities to my teammates to cover down on issues while I'm out.

Will spend the weekend packing some reading material for the week I'm going to be in the hospital. I know what I want to read already. It will basically be the Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt. When I'm able I really hope to get more than halfway through the book and take notes. This is not light reading and I can't do my traditional speed reading tactics like I do with fiction writing I read. In any event I'm looking forward to it.

Aside from the reading I have to pay attention to the all the instructions regarding post operation daily care for this ostomy bag. I had one sit down with a nurse and it seems simple but rarely do things just play out the way they are explained at first blush.

Journey Phase 1 day 3?

My surgery date is in jeopardy after a spot on my lungs found during a chest x-ray is being evaluated further with a follow up CT Scan. Anxiety gets to you. Anxiety has me thinking too. Critically no less! With the stay at home orders in place I've watched quite a few documentaries. One was about food production. I will get the title later but the bottom line is this was a documentary showing how meat (primarily) is produced. Beef and Pork. Slaughterhouses and pig farms and oh yeah; chickens. This is big corporate business. No idyllic farmer and family providing meat and potatoes for America. Farmers don't even have freedom in America. Farmers are essentially contractors for industry and can't independently farm and bring their product to market here in America or overseas. WE ARE NOT FREE!

I was thinking about writing a book and I think I'm going to start here. We are not free; would document in print what I saw in that documentary and just expand on the socialist agriculture policy going on in America. The annual farm bill. I need to actually read these laws to see what they do or don't do; what they allow and or not allow. I have anecdotal information but I've never actually read the legislation, so I will start there.

More to come; now that I have a focus area.

The Journey: Phase 1 day one

Just starting reading Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt copyright 1951

Decided to start from the beginning. First started reading the book over a year ago but need to give a fresh look. As I mentioned in the list of books from my last post; this will include me reading and taking notes and then giving my opinion. This should feed me with insight on the kinds of information I believe to be important to save and share. As I continue to identify what is important to me; this exercise should inform what I do next; post surgery.

Hannah's book is about antisemitism and how that started; all the who, what, when, where and why questions are addressed. Along the way many topics come up and the first one from chapter 1 page 4, 3rd para ; is a discussion for how an idea can spark a movement towards discrimination on a national or international level. "wealth without visible function is much more intolerable because nobody can understand why it should be tolerated".

The quote above is applicable to our situation today. We have a pandemic (public health crisis) that is cratering the economy. Governments of major economic powers are propping up markets/banks/businesses. Part of our economic salad bowl are venture capitalists, hedge funds and other forms of asset management if you will. If some of these entities go down right now you have to ask the question about preserving them if they have no visible function; other than to make money speculating (gambling) on market conditions of individuals companies or concerns.

More importantly is the next important point Ms. Arendt makes: "Even exploitation and oppression still make society work and establish some kind of order. Only wealth without power or aloofness without a policy are felt to be parasitical, useless, revolting, because such conditions cut all threads which tie men together."(pg5,chp1,para3).

• This writing above is exactly what some folks feel around the world right now. As decisions are made for who to give money in relief to stabilize the economy due to #covid19. I find this quote instructive. I will leave it that for now.

I have a feeling this is going to be a lot of data; that is okay with me. Quarantine life is giving me something useful to produce.

I have to say right now...the word 'that' is useful. 0000.9% of the time. Makes it so hard to write and read.

Jon Stewart Interviews George Carlin

First post to get into self assessment! No book ,but this interview encapsulates what you should think about when evaluating your life.

The Journey

In Quarantine with time to think...I wrote earlier about me taking stock of myself for the next 4-6 months. Part of me taking stock will be to read and write. What do I mean by that? I will read a little from a handful of books I have started but not finished and then write a little on this blog/journal to make sure I capture what I think I read and then use that information to inform my self assessment and guide me to where I want to be. Maybe it is writing in and of itself. Don't know if it will take the form of a book but I could take advantage of all the tools available and self-publish. That is a thought. Would definitely have to be non-fiction with my evaluation of what I've experienced in life
and the types of things I care about.

Books on the docket:
- SEPARATE - Steve Luxenberg; Story of Plessy v Ferguson and America's Journey from Slavery to Segregation
- POLITICAL ORDER AND POLITICAL DECAY - Francis Fukuyama; From the Industrial Revolution to Globalization of Democracy
- THE PORTABLE ENLIGHTENMENT READER - Edited by Isaac Kramnick
- THE ORIGINS OF TOTALITARIANISM - Hannah Arendt

Need to note which book and chapter/paragraph I'm referencing each time so there is some order to all this.

I watched a TED talk today given by a Shaolin Monk. He said (paraphrasing) that if you never start you will never finish your climb. If you only talk to others about the climb or journey you want to take that the others have finished; you will never experience the uniqueness of that climb vicariously because it is not 'your' climb up the mountain. What others see at the peak of their achievement can never be appreciated by someone else or better yet experienced by someone else via a story or interview. You must make the climb and experience the view from the peak or however high you make it up the mountain to understand what it means to you.

I will add books to this list as I go. I have some books from college that I want to explore. I wish I had some of my old text books now; especially from my Critical Thinking class. That class shaped me at the time because I had never self assessed my own thought process. I am and continue to be somewhat ADHD. NOTE: mention this to the doctor after surgery to see if you can get meds. I need assistance with focus.

I know I could really get so much more done if I had the opportunity to really focus without my mind wandering. If that means medicating then so be it. You only live once in this portion of the multi-verse at least so if I can get some adderall I want that edge to produce what I care about.

April 16, 2020: Day closer to Surgery

I'm feeling apprehensive...supposed to have surgery 27 Apr 20 but I have a lingering cough (not covid-19) and have to have a chest xray on 20 Apr 20 to get cleared for surgery or not. It is a pain in the ass waiting for shit to happen. I read (more like skimmed over) an article from Mrs. Arizona 2020; who in 2017 was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4 that spread to her lungs. Four surgeries later and multiple rounds of chemo and radiation she is cancer free. Obviously there is hope so I feel good about my chances given my cancer is stage 3; shrunk during chemo and no trace in scans to surrounding lymph nodes. I just want to get it over with so I can move on with the rest of my life.
You end up in this standstill mode while undergoing treatment. I am still healthy and fortunate to have a job and am teleworking but I have had a lot of time on my hands and want to do something else career wise after surgery and treatment is done. I'm going to take this time to take stock of me during the next 4-6 months and update my resume and send it out. The world is going to change and I want to change along with it and work on issues that put me more in touch with caring for others.
I have ideas I just need to narrow down what matters. I am going to do a mission statement, value evaluation and set some goals. I have some near term stuff I can do to prep and I just need to get after it knowing that it will be all part of a broader plan.

Life Milestones; Death; Cancer

My grandmother passed away Saturday April 11, 1920...

I left Kansas City in Oct 1987 and never moved back...the fact that our family Matriarch is gone is a big deal! 4332 Benton Blvd, KCMO. The address! No other address matters in that city. That was our temple. Family temple. Everything started and happened at that house. I'm fifty one and will in a couple of weeks will have colorectal surgery. My grandmother had breast cancer as a black woman in the 1960's double mastectomy and lived to 92/93 years (not sure of birth date). I don't know where to begin with Mary Virginia Stone; so I won't try. She is my grandmother and is now passed on to the next life; whatever that might be.

Musings: Covid; cancer; whatever

Who knows what enters into the mind of a man at 10:57pm east coast time? It is COVID baby! I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. Is that bad? NO...no one has any idea what they are talking about right now.
I want philosophy. I want to think about us.

Ostomy Dr Visit...just random shit

I went to an appointment today to discuss my ostomy bag that I will have to wear after my surgery. Shit bag! I'm over it mentally; I think. Doesn't matter if I'm over it because I have to fucking do it regardless.

I need some goals...if anyone (me) is listening; I need goals to strive for in the next 3 to 4 months

One: Lose 40lbs
Two: Do 100 push ups a day
Three: ?????

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

COVID life

I knew going into this I wouldn't keep up the streak. I have never stayed the course on anything in my life. No reason to think it would change now. I did get really busy at work before all this covid shit hit us all in the mouth though. Now that I'm home everyday and will be for the next 3 to 4 months; maybe i will be more consistent. To be honest; typing is uncomfortable with this tingling/numbness in my fingers. What have ya'll been up to? I'm not sober! I will have to be post surgery though. Hard to stop something that has been holding you up for years.
I been watching the news like the rest of the world but I stopped with the staying glued to every word because it is stress I don't need. Back to reading now.
So what kind of shit do I read?
Archive.org
Go to that site; normally reserved for academics, students etc. Now free library for all due to the 'ronavirus'. Reading a textual criticism book about all the misquotations from what we all think we know as the Bible. I have grown into being a gnostic/atheist. I just refuse to accept the god of this world as handed down through millenia by men. I don't believe in eternal damnation, i.e, people burning in a lake of fire for trillions of years because we or I don't believe in Jesus. I personally think we die and just keep coming back. Life is long and hard for most and I refuse to believe a supernatural being has set up a hard and fast rule that would end up with the vast majority of motherfucka's dying and going to hell. Just can't square it up!
I have cancer surgery set up for 27 April 20...
We'll see if 'ronavirus' upsets that plan; if not i'm going under the knife on that day and then everything changes forever. Top 1/3 of my rectum is getting cut out. I don't know what kind of plumbing I will have left to process waste after all that. Will be compromised for the rest of my earthly life. Nothing else to say today. Stay well...don't know who I'm talking to but I guess it don't matter since this is my journal or writings for me. Later!

Radiation Complete

I'll post a picture of the certificate one of these days. It'll be easier than buying a frame and hanging it on my wall in the house and it will live forever in the ether that is the interweb. Now 20 Feb 20 or 20/02/2020...19 days sober. Still reading from the scrolls. Although radiation is over; I still have this neuropathy in my hands and feet. Sucks but bearable. I'm going to try and just get through it because I want to limit how much medication I'm taking between now and my surgery.
Not much to say...just wanted to get something in.

Another Day

17 Feb 2020

This writing streak is now three days deep! Two more days of radiation therapy left. Met with the Dr. this morning.Blood pressure was 123/67; which is the best mark by far in years actually. Had been hovering around 136/80 on average these last 8 months. I have been fortunate to not have high blood pressure as it runs in my family; as does heart disease. Still no alcohol! 16 days now. Not a record for me but significant nonetheless.
Skin just inside the top of my ass crack is affected by this radiation and I was worried I had blood in my stools but it's just open skin. My two forefingers and thumbs are numb and my feet still feel like they are perpetually asleep. All in all not bad given the poison and radiation in my system.
All these days of no alcohol are giving me back some of my previous joys in life. One is reading. My grandmother taught me how to read before I started kindergarten and I have always loved it. I read a variety of books; fiction, non-fiction, bios and all genres except true crime interest me. I've always been partial to sci-fi/fantasy. So intriguing and the fantasy lets you get away and dream. There is always some kernel of truth and wisdom in those books. I also love Robert Ludlum style books and David Baldacci. Just read the Last Man Standing in under 24 hours. Really good book! Having a clear mind is invigorating and is making me look forward to the coming spring.
I have some real work to do this spring earning a certification required for the job. I really need to buckle down and just get it over with. Involves online training that is just dull as hell and not terribly relevant to what I do everyday. I shouldn't really say that but it's just that I don't need dull but I have now put myself in a position that I have to get this done in the next 6 months so the crunch time aspect will at least give it some urgency.
Looking forward to the next 6 weeks starting 20 Feb 2020. That is when I will start the physical training. I plan to take a holistic approach to this physical training. Some will be traditional working out. I will hike and bike and use the work I need to do outside in my yard as part of the routine. A big part that I want to incorporate is stretching and breath work. I have an audio book by Dan Brule that is really good and I will start each day doing some of that breath work and stretching to get the blood flowing. 100 push ups and some core work each morning before I leave the house. You tube has some great at home workouts I plan to follow as well. I will post progress on here and note changes in my body after all this treatment. Gotta go get in some Og Mandino 1st scroll before I go to bed. No TV and reading the scrolls as the last thing you do before going to sleep will put my mind where it needs to be and then wake up and do it again tomorrow. New man...new life!

Black Violin - "A Flat" (Music Video) (2012)

Whole new Era! Powerful to listen to everyday!

Black Violin - "One Step" Official Video

16 February 2020 Daily or Weekly or Monthly

After such a long absence and inability to stick to a schedule; i feel pretty good that I'm on here two days in a row. Like I mentioned yesterday; I'm starting the reading of the scrolls as prescribed in the OG Mandino book, The Greatest Salesman in the World. I read it 25+ years ago when my brother first gave me the paperback book but never in the manner it is intended to be read. I already know it is showing dividends. Matter of fact; I will be reading the lst scroll again for the mid-day after I post this. I don't have much to say right now. I don't believe I always need to have much to say. This is about routine and positive progress for me. Still no alcohol. Last night I really wanted to drink some wine. It would be simple to cheat...there is a 7-eleven two miles from my house. They sell small cartons and if I really wanted to; I could make any excuse to leave and buy a carton and drink. Done it many times over the last ten years. What is keeping me from doing it again? l don't really know. It is a combination of things. First is this blog! Very important to be honest with myself right now and have something to do that is affirming my life path forward.
On to other things. I am always on the search for nutritious foods now. I will be trying Baobab fruit. Based on what I read yesterday; the fruit is broken down to a powder and is packed with all sorts of anti-oxidants and other stuff that is supposed to be really good for you. It's also from Africa and right now I feel that since that is my ancestral heritage, I should be focusing on consuming foods and nutrients from that continent. The Rooibos herb drink that has been so good for me these last 8 months is from Africa. Once I get this Baobab powder into my daily routine; I'll post what I'm feeling and how it is affecting me. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/306445#diet
First 24 hours of uninstalling Twitter. So much more relaxed. One less mind sucking app to interrupt my forward progress. After I'm done with this radiation treatment and start to focus on the next step which is surgery. I will start working out again and will post stuff about my routine that will last from February 20, 2020 until my surgery that will be about the middle of May 2020 or thereabouts. I really want to lose weight. I am generally pretty shocked that I have not lost any weight at all during all these chemo and radiation treatments. I don't have hardly any of the traditional side effects. Just weird to me... Maybe I'm different somehow?