Saturday, October 17, 2026

C.A.R.E 17 Oct 2026 - CONSISTENCY

 The word from the C.A.R.E. model is - CONSISTENCY

  Gratitude for continuing to increase my understanding of myself. 

I've had some success and some struggles recently. Most of this is chalked up to lack of consistency. 

I'm writing off my own experiences and not citing sources purposely. If I ever collect this into a book I will appropriately review and cite sources where it makes sense and legally. 

Consistency in the context of recovery is maintaining sobriety. Period. When I don't have that then all the other positive momentum is stifled and retarded. 

Even the execution or lack of execution of sticking to some level of consistency with writing is a challenge. I don't really have an excuse. I am busy (somewhat) but not enough to justify the lack of writing on more consistent basis. 

Every other intent for me suffers when I don't (intentionally) write what I am dealing with. 

I lack emotional control and part of having some level of temperance is tied to consistency with writing and physically working out at a more then medium level. 

I mentioned at some point I would document my physical progress and I am ready to make that commitment. 

Started today. 

Body Weight Dips - 15

Push Ups - 100

Body Weight Squats = 0

Honesty Plus consistency. I want to see where I am physically next year this time with those same exercises. 

C.A.R.E.

Random Thoughts - Partial C.A.R.E

 The last post was heavy!. 

Necessary!

I'm not choosing a word of the day. 

I'm reflecting on why I did not continue on 19 September 2026.

I had a word selected. 

RESPONSIBILITY

I had my post in my mind but realized there is no way for me to write about this now. 

I have been the most irresponsible human.

I know right but have consistently chosen wrong!

I have no right to talk about the sacred word that is RESPONSIBILITY. 

If you think about the word and break it down, specifically or abstractly; you will find that we as people are so lacking that there is no wonder all the strife and racism, etc...

I don't know what else to say. If you are or consider yourself educated and somewhat aware, then you know and understand how difficult it is to talk about responsibility when and if you have failed. 

RESPONSIBILITY is the one thing that I failed at miserably and completely. 

Small moments of caring are not enough to erase the years of neglect that I inflicted on others. 

Not giving up; just owning up. 


Friday, September 18, 2026

 C.A.R.E 18 Sep 2026 - AUTHENTICITY

  The word from the C.A.R.E model is AUTHENTICITY

Gratitude that I have this time right now to focus on maintaining the right mind, body and spirit to make a positive impact in the lives of the ones I love. 

The words that come to mind often are not words that I know will give me energy, hype and motivation but words like authentic, that make me look at who I am actually not. 

I had a therapy session that is part of my road back to being able to drive again. This particular therapist, like many, end up saying something that really gets you. I finally, after all these years, reckoned with the singular moment that changed my life and took me down the road of life where I ended up today. 

I have managed to live a life that has not been truly 100% authentic to who I am. 

No, I am not gay nor have some hidden tendency to the feminine that I am suppressing. 

I have just never reckoned with the intense anger and pressure I have been under since July 1987. When I learned that there was virtually no way to salvage my ability to go attempt to play college football I imploded and exploded at the same time. 

There is an intensely crushing feeling you get when you know something significant is being taken away from you. When my great grandfather passed, I was walking into my house after football practice, and I remember being at the front door and hearing the phone ringing. I walked towards the phone and just had a sensation. I answered the phone and it was my grandmother. All she said was my name and I knew and it was over.  I want to believe that I said, "I know" and we cried. My great grandfather and I share a birthday; 12 February. His was 12 Feb 1895 and mine is 12 Feb 1969. Ezekiel Johnson Sr. died at age 91. 

I had the exact feeling when I knew that events complely outside of my control were leading me to a completely unknown life. 

I lived with that for 37 years! I've had stretches of my life where I accepted the outcome, but not really. I just don't really know what it means to be authentic and honest sometimes. I'm not heinous about it. I think I am loyal and trustworthy (when sober) but I just need to figure out how to finally let go of the anger. 

I just always let my anger over those past events dictate how I responded to pressure at home mostly. But home is where it matters and I failed at this so often. 

Progress is happening. It is getting close because I can see evidence of the change now that I have reflected on most of my life. Following this blogging/journaling helps more than anything. 

AUTHENTIC is what I want to be and be courageous about attacking it. 

You can't C.A.R.E if you're not authentic. 

Thursday, September 17, 2026

C.A.R.E 17 Sep 2026 - ENDURANCE

 Today's focus word is ENDURANCE

The word from the C.A.R.E. model is ENDURANCE

Gratitude that I am alive and have this opportunity to reflect and be better in execution of my intent to change and be a positive force in my family's life. 

When I was at my daughter's house helping take care of my grandkids this weekend it dawned on me that one of the most foundational tenets of this new way of thinking is understanding perspective. 

My Kids are 38, 32 and I have two grand kids ages 5 and 2. Life is a journey, no matter how long or short. I have a great uncle that just reached 101 years old. That is the personification of ENDURANCE. 

Everything we do, every day determines our ability to endure. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and just in all the myriad ways we have to survive and attempt to thrive. I love my life. I do, I just never fully appreciated it. 

That is a sobering thought. When Iaid down to sleep with my grandson, Saturday night after his birthday and we read two books and then he fell asleep next to me. It was one of the purest natural moments of love and peace I have ever felt. 

I was able to have that moment that I desperately needed because I managed to ENDURE. 

Despite all the stupidity I have allowed to be part of my life in a self-inflicted way; I have endured because I found a way to not quit. Life is really hard and it is easy to look at any everyday circumstance and use that as a negative catalyst. 

I know because I did it every day for the last two years. Everything was a major issue, and my life was out of control. I allowed my addiction to actually run my life. While functional for 5 years or so, it was not set on any type of stable foundation. 

I was enduring but barely. It took DUIs and jail to get my attention. That part of me will never return. I may be a victim of some random act from outside, but I won't be hurting myself or the ones I love based on stupidity and selfishness. 

In order to make it through life and have a sense that you at least tried to be of service and help, you have to have some guiding principle. Why are we here?  

I think once we are here, we all have some capacity to endure. Even the very least of us has something in our mind and soul to endure. I have a friend from my Air Force days with a now 23-year-old quadriplegics son. A life yes, chosen to carry to term with this knowledge and this now man, has endured. Yes, medicine...BUT also something is clearly in this young man's mind that has allowed him to want to live despite it all. 

Most of us are blessed beyond any comprehension that we are healthy, and we waste that every day. 

Time to C.A.R.E: Do whatever it takes to ENDURE and be present in your life and in the lives of those you love. Take care of your bodies, mind and spirit. Leave society to do what they are doing. If you take care of your responsibilities, then the outside world can be in all the turmoil, and you can be steady in the fact that you are meeting every challenge with focus, energy, compassion, action, resilience and endurance. 

VOTE Democrat no matter the rhetoric: PLEASE. 


Thursday, September 10, 2026

One comment on Curren Events (For Today) Part 2

  All the outrage. 

Since I know that despite the rhetoric of this COMMUNIST faction of the Democratic Party (DSA), I am voting DEMOCRAT every chance I get. 

I don't need any convincing that for the near term we have to vote out all republicans everywhere to the max extent possible. 

The future is always in doubt but right now feels ominous. 

There are just too many fascist-like actions at the federal, state and local levels that are clearly not what any American voted for. 

Abolishing the institutional apparatus that G. W. Bush put in place mostly for the war on terror is now out of control. 

There is a long overdue revamp required of the entire National Security Establishment and the State Department. 

This is what no one; or at least very few Democrats that matter, talk about. 

There is this constant reaction to every fucking thing this president does, says, thinks, tweets, posts. It is all so insane that the media outlets not owned by FOX won't just tone down the presidential coverage until something actually happens worthy of discussing. Trying to double as a network TV version of the John Stewart led Daily Show/Week or whatever else is happening, is not helpful. We don't need fame seeking journalist. You have the ultimate platform, 24/7/365. Put content out that is useful and truthful. 

If all the folks in media and podcasts would ban together and show every night the truth and not this daily slop; then maybe progress could be made. 

People like me writing down every grievance, sharing and posting is therapeutic. 

We need folks that can actually get the message out about how dangerous it is and will be if any Republican majority ever exist again for at least 40 years. 

I know how I'm voting so I won't be writing for the sake of reacting to daily bullshit. 

More thoughts I want to capture and hopefully someone reads this and thinks it is worth sharing. 

I wrote this below a few months ago as notes while I was just living: words in () are my edits that I think are more clear than just my notes. 

The US capitalists of today are taking a massive leap forward (with AI) while doing nothing to invest in the infrastructure in a calm, deliberate thoughtful way. It is all about chasing valuation, and not how to not just build, but sustain this in any meaningful way. Unless in secret there are humanoid robots already built with about 95% dexterity to perform most of our tasks with no (while never) tiring ever and strength of 5-10 men to boot. I think that is what is more real than anyone realizes.

That is why there is just a desire to do it. We who are left would just be completely left behind in most every conceivable scenario. If a humanoid droid could move in the most fundamental ways necessary, then they could replace every basic unskilled worker.

Skilled trades would be even easier because you simply program the droid with the necessary skill and then supervise with one or two humans. Done.

I didn’t expect to write but am I that far off?

What I meant to write was or is tangential to what I just wrote though (is this). The idea is that the US should lean in to America First but in a less harmful way. Announce a major initiative for 21st Century Eminence at home first then abroad for any partners that can engage on the same economic path.

(TAXES) Revise for a 10 year period the tax code to reflect reality of the modern economy. Let AI take all the work written in this area and synthesize it down to a format that can be implemented with a hard start and stop date with no chance for repeal once enacted, except in the event of direct military strike on the mainland of the United States by any aggressive act by nation or non-nation state actors that reach to be developed thresholds for funds that would need to (allocated to support said emergency).  suspend this set aside activity.

Collect an additional Sales tax on every conceivable and legal transaction. Use both of these instruments in to pay back Social Security so people who have paid in more than twenty years will maintain the full benefit. A debate can be had on the future of Social Security and what that should look like. I would levy a future profitably tax on AI, and all the related infrastructure to pay a portion of profit, net worth, valuation and all get collected and paid back to the elderly generation that was forced into this transition. (some goes directly to the debt?) TOO HARD FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT NOW BUT I'M READING ON ECONOMY THEORY AND I WILL POST LATER ON THAT.

(INTEL/DOD) Revise the entire National Security apparatus to downsize and focus on critical replenishment and investment across the board and create a more lean technology enhanced version of a US military and space force. Make it more integrated all the way through and cut all redundancy associated with five separate and distinct Service’s.

Streamline everything that is common to the Service’s across the board. One stop administrative support cabinet level agency because of all the policy involved over millions of supported military, civilian and droid classifications.


Foreign Affairs – Michael B.G. Forman, The next global crisis could be made in china.

The rise from 1979 is a hard calculated move that has taken many by surprise but it has been mostly a carbon copy of what Japan did in part when they were forced open and then again after WWII. A deep dive into the Market based economy. It is 2026 and China has risen and many racists just can’t accept it so instead of celebrating and looking for opportunities, most of anglo saxon people with even a shred of influence and making this negative.

My observations lead to different conclusions, but the main one is this. The U.S. was never actually winning anything; because China has never been competing with the U.S.

(THE NOTION THAT CHINA CARES IN THE WAY THIS LAME CROWD IN DC THINKS IS NOT ALL UNFOUNDED BUT NEVERTHELESS DANGEROUS). 

The same hubris that makes the U.S. stumble around the world like a drunk (rich in terms or material) uncle that is losing it. 


Wednesday, September 9, 2026

C.A.R.E. 9 September 20206 - Conviction

 Today's focus word is: CONVICTION

The words from the C.A.R.E. model are:CONVICTION

 C: Conviction September 9, 2026

Gratitude for the ability to be able to reflect and center.

Conviction is the whole thing! What I am doing every day to get up, center myself by reading my Morning Devotions. Then transition to re-reading one of the 8 factors of the Path. 

Wise Intention is the longest section of each step of the path. Intention sets the tone. Conviction is how you execute in your daily life. As long as I do this every day, eventually I will have that moral framework as the foundation for how my mind wakes up every day. 

Beyond my addiction to alcohol recovery, I am starting a process to unplug as much as I can. 

External distractions are at an all-time high in the world. 

There is a lot of chaos...but I am just going to center on what I can control. 

All screens go off at 10 pm and then I read my new best friend, NEW PRINCIPLEs OF POLITICAL ECONOMY. Italian/French Economist - Sismondi

New as in written in the 1800's. 

New as in it has philosophies that the current capitalist chooses to ignore and have led us all the brink or close to it in America. I think China will end up adopting this. How can I study this. 



Take C.A.R.E. 

Tuesday, September 8, 2026

C.A.R.E. - 8 September 2026

 Focus for Today: 

The words from the C.A.R.E. model are: EMOTIONAL AWARENESS

 E. - Emotional Awareness: September 8, 2026

Gratitude for the ability to be able to reflect and center

The opportunity to make good or harmful decisions are evident every minute of every day. I received a note from another patient I was in rehab with that said; 

"Think about this every day!

Is it smart? 

Is it safe?" 

Those are great words to live by, and much effort goes into that simple maxim if you truly intend to live that way. 

 In that vein of thought, I think emotional awareness is about (for me) understanding my limitations with my addiction. Life is hard right now and it makes it even more challenging not to want to drink. That was my go-to for dealing with pretty much anything. In order to not relapse in a way that ruins what I have left; I am working on this daily writing, working out and recovery. 

Recovery is multi-faceted but ongoing. 

I want to write more but I have time constraints, and I honestly just need to be about it and not write about it. But I will continue to write and read good, honest content where I consume information. I just want to be a better person. 

As this evolves, I want to write what the words from Recovery Dharma mean to me. 

This is ultimately about the path to recovery and right living so the path has 3 groups:

The Wisdom Group

Wise Understanding and Wise Intention

Wise Understanding is where I think I can spend a lot of time and apply many words in the model. Not sure I will do that, but it is an option. 

Having a better understanding of not just alcohol triggers but life and emotional control triggers. Being cool for lack of a better word. Taking deep breaths, writing, jotting down notes. 

Think through as many options as I can to deal with issues that normally send my mind spiraling. Cement this intent to use what I have been given to the best most efficient ends for mental clarity as possibilities. What have I been given to help? This...I write and it does help just to empty my mind and give myself a focus to keep at the top of my mind. 

If it is not smart and not safe then I won't do it unless there is no alternative.