I think I read somewhere once...

 I couldn't think of anything to write as a headline or anything. In my lifetime; I don't recall shit around the world everywhere just looking so bleak. It is a dichotomy though! (i actually got to use that word in something i am writing and it fits)

Afghanistan; where the hell to start with that one? I was listening to NPR the other day and the person on the call or interview suggested the US involvement in Afghanistan pre-dated the Soviet Invasion? I need to validate or at least run down some of the assumptions he made but I do know the US has been directly involved since at least before the Soviets invaded. Not sure in what capacity though and it changes nothing about my feelings on the current situation. 

Could not have chosen a worst course of action to leave the country. Horrific and sickening to watch this end this way. There is so much to unpack, study, digest, internalize and then make fundamental change to how we conduct foreign policy. I could add a video here of the C-17 plane or the bombing in Kabul the other day but I just won't keep adding to the insanity. We need to change or this is the beginning of the end for America. Something about the 21st century and that is...everything is sped up. Technology and the way we use it have sped up every cycle you can think. The news cycle has been on hyperdrive for over a decade now and that means situations like this can be absorbed and forgotten, when we need to pause and really capture what the fuck happened and institute change. 

This morning for instance on the drivel they call news; NBC4 in Washington DC decides that Sunday morning at 6am is the time to show the photos of the Marines that died. Sadistic mothafucka's. We have not even fully withdrawn from the place; the bodies have not been properly laid to rest, and now at the very beginning of our morning these retarded ratings hounds disrespect these men and women. I don't need to see their photos to understand the sacrifice they made. This is the sick shit we have to deal with. Then NBC4 justed move on the next segment; talking about whatever the fuck came up next. 

Had to get that shit off my chest. This is fucking therapy for me at this moment. I wish I could walk around like other people (don't want to put a % because i have no idea what other people think) I have observed who just seemingly don't give a fuck. Maybe everyone is doing what I am doing and writing all this down to get it out of their system. When you think about it; that is what twitter and all those apps let people do. Get shit out; express themselves. There are downsides to those apps and websites for sure. Humans always seem to figure out a way to fuck shit up and make it creepy and shady but...expression can help for most of us. 

Capture 1

Keeping this separate from the rest of the shit I write down. 

Decided to start jotting down shit as it come to me.

Calling my mother later; have a nephew fresh from jail. Have to just force myself into these folks lives. Men in my family are men. We don't talk and we need to. 

21 July 2021

Starting a couple of books

Doing Justice...Preet Bharara #crime and Keise Laymon (I will get back on the title) 

Meanwhile enjoy thishttps://music.amazon.com/albums/B003KYKY3Q?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B003KYKYFE

This is like the modern day Hard Times from Run DMC 

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B01ACSXBJQ?marketplaceId=ATVPDKIKX0DER&musicTerritory=US&trackAsin=B01ACSXIWG

Sam Cooke saved, so I can come back to this

David Baldacci gotta read one of his every time i fly more than two hours from now on. Perfect stuff to be on a plane with. 

Had to run and catch the commuter train this morning. I can run with neuropathy and i need to do it. Prove it can be done. Document this shit. Emergence. Cancer, personal addiction and just every day! 

Damn. Take pictures and just start with some basics for 30 days. 

So many things in our lives will change if you do this. 30 day check!

Medical Equipment for the Under Served

During a recent visit to see my Ostomy nurse. I found out some information that has spurred an idea in my mind to set up a non-profit organization to assist the under insured. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colo-rectal cancer in Aug 2019. I have subsequently under gone chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. After surgery; I've worn an illeostomy bag for the last 10 weeks. I am fortunate that my ostomy will be reversed; so, I will not need to order supplies long term. If this were not the case and my ostomy was permanent; I am equally fortunate to have insurance (military retiree) that would cover almost all cost associated with said equipment and or supplies. 
My concern going forward are those people who have to face life with a bowel diversion without the resources to adequately supply or care for themselves. I recently found out about two volunteers that work out of a hospital near my home that operate a free Ostomy/Medical supply closet. The cancer center at this hospital allows the volunteers to use excess office space to store donated supplies. Once a week the volunteers are available for anyone to walk-in and obtain whatever supplies are available. This is currently the only location I'm aware that offers this type of service. The volunteers that helped me the other day told there is another hospital north of where I live that would like to set up a similar ability to help the under insured in their area. 
I plan to work with the two volunteers I met to assist them with 1) spreading the word; and 2) organization and communication via the internet, and social media to more effectively advertise for the types of supplies that are sorely needed. After my surgery I knew I wanted to do something to help others and this effort looks like a great way to grow a desperately needed service in this and other communities in the state of Virginia. 

Diversion

Wanted to document this while it is on my mind. Doesn't have anything to do with what I have normally chosen to put in this space (i think).

About an hour ago I was watching CNN and they had a guest talking about the coronavirus. He said something that makes me think really hard about what we are dealing with. The guest said that medical science; i.e., biologist are just now starting to understand the effects of covid infection. Apparently, according to this guest...covid has shown signs of infecting multiple areas of the body; not just the respiratory track or lung function. Covid is showing up in the brain? It could be nothing but it could also mean you could have this virus hanging out in areas of the body figuring out how to interact with other cells. Mean time while covid is doing this; we don't even know we have covid. Asymptomatic. Yeah that word.

Covid could infect you and not manifest for a long time? We don't know. This is a brand new thing for science to investigate. This could take fucking years to fully understand. We are no where near anarchy in this country. Our version of the human race and particularly in America won't allow that to happen. Not because we are good or better than anyone.

Just the opposite. The pig-headed folk that make up the majority of this country; black, white, brown, yellow and white. Won't let anarchy come because come hell or high water; these folk will demand to carry on as usual and will shout as loud as they can that they are willing to take that risk. So America will stare this in the face and some will die and most will live but the retarded American consumption economy is the only thing that matters. Eventually because we will have gathered so much knowledge about covid we will have a vaccine and just like the flu industry now. We will have a new set of medications and an entire industry dedicated to COVID relief. Think of all those billions of dollars waiting to be had.

Fuck; if I'm #JoeBiden that is my fucking play right now. Covid is here and it is going no where. What can we do to live responsibly in that covid-19 reality? How can America use this to our advantage and stay strong and prosperous? First get fucking rid of this disaster of a human being #trump in this next election. To get America anywhere near where we need to be, we have to stop the fucking clown show now.

I was able to write something and I pulled it back. Is that right to do in this space? Stop yourself from venting? Won't do that again. Everything I think is worthy even if it is fucked up in the moment. You will at least acknowledge the stupidity and learn?  (personal moment)

Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!

Journey: Phase 1 Day 4 or 5 (can't remember)

CT Scan I had done came back clear. The cynic in me believes it was ordered just to squeeze more money out of the Military Heathcare System that I am fortunate to be a part of. I know the team is just trying to make sure I'm healthy going in to this; so I will suspend my jaded attitude.

Just finished clearing out shit at work and handing off responsibilities to my teammates to cover down on issues while I'm out.

Will spend the weekend packing some reading material for the week I'm going to be in the hospital. I know what I want to read already. It will basically be the Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt. When I'm able I really hope to get more than halfway through the book and take notes. This is not light reading and I can't do my traditional speed reading tactics like I do with fiction writing I read. In any event I'm looking forward to it.

Aside from the reading I have to pay attention to the all the instructions regarding post operation daily care for this ostomy bag. I had one sit down with a nurse and it seems simple but rarely do things just play out the way they are explained at first blush.

The Journey

In Quarantine with time to think...I wrote earlier about me taking stock of myself for the next 4-6 months. Part of me taking stock will be to read and write. What do I mean by that? I will read a little from a handful of books I have started but not finished and then write a little on this blog/journal to make sure I capture what I think I read and then use that information to inform my self assessment and guide me to where I want to be. Maybe it is writing in and of itself. Don't know if it will take the form of a book but I could take advantage of all the tools available and self-publish. That is a thought. Would definitely have to be non-fiction with my evaluation of what I've experienced in life
and the types of things I care about.

Books on the docket:
- SEPARATE - Steve Luxenberg; Story of Plessy v Ferguson and America's Journey from Slavery to Segregation
- POLITICAL ORDER AND POLITICAL DECAY - Francis Fukuyama; From the Industrial Revolution to Globalization of Democracy
- THE PORTABLE ENLIGHTENMENT READER - Edited by Isaac Kramnick
- THE ORIGINS OF TOTALITARIANISM - Hannah Arendt

Need to note which book and chapter/paragraph I'm referencing each time so there is some order to all this.

I watched a TED talk today given by a Shaolin Monk. He said (paraphrasing) that if you never start you will never finish your climb. If you only talk to others about the climb or journey you want to take that the others have finished; you will never experience the uniqueness of that climb vicariously because it is not 'your' climb up the mountain. What others see at the peak of their achievement can never be appreciated by someone else or better yet experienced by someone else via a story or interview. You must make the climb and experience the view from the peak or however high you make it up the mountain to understand what it means to you.

I will add books to this list as I go. I have some books from college that I want to explore. I wish I had some of my old text books now; especially from my Critical Thinking class. That class shaped me at the time because I had never self assessed my own thought process. I am and continue to be somewhat ADHD. NOTE: mention this to the doctor after surgery to see if you can get meds. I need assistance with focus.

I know I could really get so much more done if I had the opportunity to really focus without my mind wandering. If that means medicating then so be it. You only live once in this portion of the multi-verse at least so if I can get some adderall I want that edge to produce what I care about.

April 16, 2020: Day closer to Surgery

I'm feeling apprehensive...supposed to have surgery 27 Apr 20 but I have a lingering cough (not covid-19) and have to have a chest xray on 20 Apr 20 to get cleared for surgery or not. It is a pain in the ass waiting for shit to happen. I read (more like skimmed over) an article from Mrs. Arizona 2020; who in 2017 was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4 that spread to her lungs. Four surgeries later and multiple rounds of chemo and radiation she is cancer free. Obviously there is hope so I feel good about my chances given my cancer is stage 3; shrunk during chemo and no trace in scans to surrounding lymph nodes. I just want to get it over with so I can move on with the rest of my life.
You end up in this standstill mode while undergoing treatment. I am still healthy and fortunate to have a job and am teleworking but I have had a lot of time on my hands and want to do something else career wise after surgery and treatment is done. I'm going to take this time to take stock of me during the next 4-6 months and update my resume and send it out. The world is going to change and I want to change along with it and work on issues that put me more in touch with caring for others.
I have ideas I just need to narrow down what matters. I am going to do a mission statement, value evaluation and set some goals. I have some near term stuff I can do to prep and I just need to get after it knowing that it will be all part of a broader plan.

Life Milestones; Death; Cancer

My grandmother passed away Saturday April 11, 1920...

I left Kansas City in Oct 1987 and never moved back...the fact that our family Matriarch is gone is a big deal! 4332 Benton Blvd, KCMO. The address! No other address matters in that city. That was our temple. Family temple. Everything started and happened at that house. I'm fifty one and will in a couple of weeks will have colorectal surgery. My grandmother had breast cancer as a black woman in the 1960's double mastectomy and lived to 92/93 years (not sure of birth date). I don't know where to begin with Mary Virginia Stone; so I won't try. She is my grandmother and is now passed on to the next life; whatever that might be.

Musings: Covid; cancer; whatever

Who knows what enters into the mind of a man at 10:57pm east coast time? It is COVID baby! I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. Is that bad? NO...no one has any idea what they are talking about right now.
I want philosophy. I want to think about us.

Ostomy Dr Visit...just random shit

I went to an appointment today to discuss my ostomy bag that I will have to wear after my surgery. Shit bag! I'm over it mentally; I think. Doesn't matter if I'm over it because I have to fucking do it regardless.

I need some goals...if anyone (me) is listening; I need goals to strive for in the next 3 to 4 months

One: Lose 40lbs
Two: Do 100 push ups a day
Three: ?????

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

COVID life

I knew going into this I wouldn't keep up the streak. I have never stayed the course on anything in my life. No reason to think it would change now. I did get really busy at work before all this covid shit hit us all in the mouth though. Now that I'm home everyday and will be for the next 3 to 4 months; maybe i will be more consistent. To be honest; typing is uncomfortable with this tingling/numbness in my fingers. What have ya'll been up to? I'm not sober! I will have to be post surgery though. Hard to stop something that has been holding you up for years.
I been watching the news like the rest of the world but I stopped with the staying glued to every word because it is stress I don't need. Back to reading now.
So what kind of shit do I read?
Archive.org
Go to that site; normally reserved for academics, students etc. Now free library for all due to the 'ronavirus'. Reading a textual criticism book about all the misquotations from what we all think we know as the Bible. I have grown into being a gnostic/atheist. I just refuse to accept the god of this world as handed down through millenia by men. I don't believe in eternal damnation, i.e, people burning in a lake of fire for trillions of years because we or I don't believe in Jesus. I personally think we die and just keep coming back. Life is long and hard for most and I refuse to believe a supernatural being has set up a hard and fast rule that would end up with the vast majority of motherfucka's dying and going to hell. Just can't square it up!
I have cancer surgery set up for 27 April 20...
We'll see if 'ronavirus' upsets that plan; if not i'm going under the knife on that day and then everything changes forever. Top 1/3 of my rectum is getting cut out. I don't know what kind of plumbing I will have left to process waste after all that. Will be compromised for the rest of my earthly life. Nothing else to say today. Stay well...don't know who I'm talking to but I guess it don't matter since this is my journal or writings for me. Later!

Radiation Complete

I'll post a picture of the certificate one of these days. It'll be easier than buying a frame and hanging it on my wall in the house and it will live forever in the ether that is the interweb. Now 20 Feb 20 or 20/02/2020...19 days sober. Still reading from the scrolls. Although radiation is over; I still have this neuropathy in my hands and feet. Sucks but bearable. I'm going to try and just get through it because I want to limit how much medication I'm taking between now and my surgery.
Not much to say...just wanted to get something in.

Radiation Therapy and Life Update

19 November 2019
This is my first post. I planned to post from the beginning of my diagnosis that dates back to August 12, 2019. I was diagnosed with a tumor in my colon. Stage 3 with some evidence of cancer in up to 3 lymph nodes. I started out in my mind with all kinds of confidence that I would blog daily and record this record for myself and others dealing with the same or similar issues.
Turns out; I was not ready to actually deal with this in as courageous a way as I was imagining in my mind. Cancer is not foreign to me. My father battled from 2006 - 2014 a similar condition. I thought I was equipped to deal and that I would just be able to blog and share but that has not been the case.
This is without a doubt the most difficult issue I've faced in my life. I was otherwise physically healthy. Mentally...not so much!
I want to be real...but to be real is to be honest. Honest enough to say what I really struggle with everyday. Also understanding that what I write here can and will reach a much wider audience. I'm not sure I'm ready for that!
So; I will take small steps and just talk about what I've experienced to date. Maybe others can join this conversation and speak on their experiences.
BACKGROUND
I first started experiencing symptoms dating back to the first part of 2019; meaning January 2019. I had blood when I wiped after bowel movements. I thought it was external blood traces after wiping. I was in denial. I was not fatigued yet or exhibiting blood in stools per se. Since my father had colon cancer I should have immediately went to my doctor but I just didn't want to face facts. Fast forward 6 months and I was doing yard work one morning and I had to stop 3 times to catch my breath. This had never happened before. I could typically cut my entire front yard; weed eat/trim, and blow away debris in one entire sequence. This day I got an early start before heat set in and I still had to stop and gather myself 3 times. Something just wasn't right. I was in the middle of a couple of business trips; actually 3 trips. One to Boston, another to Rome, NY and then on to Australia. So I was fairly busy!
The grass cutting lack of energy episode occurred after my Rome NY trip just prior to heading off to Australia. I was trying to get some work done, so i wouldn't have to worry about anything coming up while I was out of the country. I powered through and finished the front and back that day and two days later set off for Australia.
For anyone who has traveled a long distance; you can understand that sometimes your cycles of sleep and bodily functions are not aligned. Once in Australia I landed and for the first couple of days I did not feel anything abnormal other than the time change. Two days in I had a bowel movement and it was extremely abnormal. Very much diarrhea like and very bloody! I knew then something was wrong.
Now we get into the other stuff going on in my life; that I've been loathe to discuss. This will have to wait until tomorrow or whenever I get back to this blog to discuss. I have to face some hard truths and be truthful in order for this to be a useful journal.
15 Feb 2019
So much for daily or any consistency whatsoever. I'm not through systemic chemotherapy treatments and 3 Radiation treatments away from being done with the treatments altogether prior to surgery. I'm also 14 sober for the first time in many years. Back in 2010; I went about 29 days or so sober. That was before; when I was 40 years old and healthy. I just turned 51 years old; 12 Feb 20. So 11 years later and I pretty much drank something everyday until 1 Feb 2020. This is the hard truth I was alluding too at the end of that post back in November. I've been weak minded for so long. Negative habits are extremely difficult to overcome. I've made every excuse in the book. So far my behavior hasn't completely destroyed my life and for that I'm just a very lucky son a bitch. There are so many times in the last 11 years that I could have completely destroyed my life and the lives of every one that has relied on me. I'm done beating myself up over this. Life is as hard as you make it. All I can do is control the issues I have direct control over and face all the other issues that come up with a sober mind and focus.
As far as the cancer goes; I don't know what to say. I have responded well to all treatments. My CEA levels during the systemic portion of the Chemo went from 35 ng/ml down to 3.5 ng/ml or normal range. All my normal lab work during Chemo has been good. I have not significant side effects from radiation other than fatigue and some pain in my feet and hands. My feet and hands feel like they are asleep and I can shake the numbing and tingling. Could be worse I guess; so I'll take this and focus on what comes next after radiation ends on 19 Feb 20. I don't know when I will write again. No point in making some grand pronouncement about writing everyday when I know myself. I won't do that...never have and likely never will. I do know that as of 15 Feb 20; I believe I can avoid alcohol for the first time in my life or I should say adult life.
I have done a few small things to get organized lately and I do write in a journal...basically just stuff to focus on for the day. I mention the no alcohol for everyday that passes so far. I also downloaded a book my older brother bought for me 30 years ago. Og Mandino; The Greatest Salesman in the World. Very powerful positive thinking and good habit form book. I plan to follow the prescription laid out in that book. Get it for yourself. I have a feeling I will be back on here more. I deleted Twitter on my phone today. What a waste of time. If I'm able to exchange Twitter for this blog then I'm apt to write a personal journal bigger than I can imagine right.

Some stuff I've had success with to pass on to anyone who might come across this:
Rooibos Tea - for me awesome. I buy it at Wegmans. Not really tea and no caffeine but it is great. Was drinking it daily while on long chemo treatments and have no doubt it helped
Breath work - Some kind of focused breathing routine. Helps calm nerves and gets oxygen into your blood stream

No red meat - works for me...lots of bananas, apples and oranges. Black Coffee...I couldn't drink it on Chemo but now the taste is tolerable again and it just works to have the jolt of energy to counteract the fatigue.

That's all; nothing cosmic and oh yeah. DON'T GIVE UP!