Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Journey Phase 1 Day 7

Surgery complete! It is early in the morning the day after and i haven't talked to the Doctor yet. My wife talked to the surgeon after i was out of the procedure and was given positive news. I will write more when i know more.

30 April 20

Last two days have been intense. I now have a NG tube. Needed because i had so much fluid in stomach that was not processing through my bowels. since i had anesthesia on both sides of my bowels, it took longer for them to wake up. The pain associated with this is intense. Coming out of it now.  Once i get on a computer i will be able to write more. 

Difficult not having folks visit. I have to just keep some notes for now and come back later and refine it. Pain meds make it hard to focus. The drugs work. 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!

Journey: Phase 1 Day 4 or 5 (can't remember)

CT Scan I had done came back clear. The cynic in me believes it was ordered just to squeeze more money out of the Military Heathcare System that I am fortunate to be a part of. I know the team is just trying to make sure I'm healthy going in to this; so I will suspend my jaded attitude.

Just finished clearing out shit at work and handing off responsibilities to my teammates to cover down on issues while I'm out.

Will spend the weekend packing some reading material for the week I'm going to be in the hospital. I know what I want to read already. It will basically be the Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt. When I'm able I really hope to get more than halfway through the book and take notes. This is not light reading and I can't do my traditional speed reading tactics like I do with fiction writing I read. In any event I'm looking forward to it.

Aside from the reading I have to pay attention to the all the instructions regarding post operation daily care for this ostomy bag. I had one sit down with a nurse and it seems simple but rarely do things just play out the way they are explained at first blush.

Journey Phase 1 day 3?

My surgery date is in jeopardy after a spot on my lungs found during a chest x-ray is being evaluated further with a follow up CT Scan. Anxiety gets to you. Anxiety has me thinking too. Critically no less! With the stay at home orders in place I've watched quite a few documentaries. One was about food production. I will get the title later but the bottom line is this was a documentary showing how meat (primarily) is produced. Beef and Pork. Slaughterhouses and pig farms and oh yeah; chickens. This is big corporate business. No idyllic farmer and family providing meat and potatoes for America. Farmers don't even have freedom in America. Farmers are essentially contractors for industry and can't independently farm and bring their product to market here in America or overseas. WE ARE NOT FREE!

I was thinking about writing a book and I think I'm going to start here. We are not free; would document in print what I saw in that documentary and just expand on the socialist agriculture policy going on in America. The annual farm bill. I need to actually read these laws to see what they do or don't do; what they allow and or not allow. I have anecdotal information but I've never actually read the legislation, so I will start there.

More to come; now that I have a focus area.

April 16, 2020: Day closer to Surgery

I'm feeling apprehensive...supposed to have surgery 27 Apr 20 but I have a lingering cough (not covid-19) and have to have a chest xray on 20 Apr 20 to get cleared for surgery or not. It is a pain in the ass waiting for shit to happen. I read (more like skimmed over) an article from Mrs. Arizona 2020; who in 2017 was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 4 that spread to her lungs. Four surgeries later and multiple rounds of chemo and radiation she is cancer free. Obviously there is hope so I feel good about my chances given my cancer is stage 3; shrunk during chemo and no trace in scans to surrounding lymph nodes. I just want to get it over with so I can move on with the rest of my life.
You end up in this standstill mode while undergoing treatment. I am still healthy and fortunate to have a job and am teleworking but I have had a lot of time on my hands and want to do something else career wise after surgery and treatment is done. I'm going to take this time to take stock of me during the next 4-6 months and update my resume and send it out. The world is going to change and I want to change along with it and work on issues that put me more in touch with caring for others.
I have ideas I just need to narrow down what matters. I am going to do a mission statement, value evaluation and set some goals. I have some near term stuff I can do to prep and I just need to get after it knowing that it will be all part of a broader plan.

Musings: COVID, Cancer, Life

Avoiding the news and teleworking. Fortunately I have a job that can actually be done for the most part from home. This is actually a good test case for proving to skeptics that many professional folks working in Government specifically; can work from home and be productive. I know many will take advantage of this and be not productive but that is not an indictment on everyone. There are just as many people who avoid work while on the job so telework won't upset that existing dynamic IMO.
Since I'm inside of 20 days till surgery I have to double down on getting mentally and physically ready for this surgery. This is the worst time in my life to have to get this procedure done. I am pretty sure I have wrote those words already in a previous post.
Anyway...

I have much more time to explore information available to people to assist with becoming more productive; more spiritual; more educated, etc. I'm going to post some video's I've been watching. I don't agree with everything stated by these folks but it is still worth sharing. I find that you can't dismiss everything a certain person has a strong opinion on. There is a lot of good in people in general; even if they have specific personal prejudices. I know it can be dangerous to espouse; lets say anti-gay agendas and it can be extremely unfair to teach these kinds of ideologies to youth. Having said that...there are other positives life skills that can be gleaned if you sift through the personal biases of some folks. Anyway judge for yourself if you run across this blog. I am saving this ultimately for myself; to maybe one day consolidate all this in a book or something. We shall see how this evolves.

Even though I have slipped in my promise to not drink; I have learned a valuable lesson. There really isn't anything good coming from drinking alcohol. At least for me. Do what you feel but I will and should be able to document all the good I can do without alcohol in my life for the next 12-14 weeks. Looking forward myself to what I am able to accomplish. I have several personal and job related projects I have to complete in that timeframe and I plan to chart progress here and then revisit later to see how I did after no alcohol at all is in my system.

COVID life

I knew going into this I wouldn't keep up the streak. I have never stayed the course on anything in my life. No reason to think it would change now. I did get really busy at work before all this covid shit hit us all in the mouth though. Now that I'm home everyday and will be for the next 3 to 4 months; maybe i will be more consistent. To be honest; typing is uncomfortable with this tingling/numbness in my fingers. What have ya'll been up to? I'm not sober! I will have to be post surgery though. Hard to stop something that has been holding you up for years.
I been watching the news like the rest of the world but I stopped with the staying glued to every word because it is stress I don't need. Back to reading now.
So what kind of shit do I read?
Archive.org
Go to that site; normally reserved for academics, students etc. Now free library for all due to the 'ronavirus'. Reading a textual criticism book about all the misquotations from what we all think we know as the Bible. I have grown into being a gnostic/atheist. I just refuse to accept the god of this world as handed down through millenia by men. I don't believe in eternal damnation, i.e, people burning in a lake of fire for trillions of years because we or I don't believe in Jesus. I personally think we die and just keep coming back. Life is long and hard for most and I refuse to believe a supernatural being has set up a hard and fast rule that would end up with the vast majority of motherfucka's dying and going to hell. Just can't square it up!
I have cancer surgery set up for 27 April 20...
We'll see if 'ronavirus' upsets that plan; if not i'm going under the knife on that day and then everything changes forever. Top 1/3 of my rectum is getting cut out. I don't know what kind of plumbing I will have left to process waste after all that. Will be compromised for the rest of my earthly life. Nothing else to say today. Stay well...don't know who I'm talking to but I guess it don't matter since this is my journal or writings for me. Later!

Radiation Complete

I'll post a picture of the certificate one of these days. It'll be easier than buying a frame and hanging it on my wall in the house and it will live forever in the ether that is the interweb. Now 20 Feb 20 or 20/02/2020...19 days sober. Still reading from the scrolls. Although radiation is over; I still have this neuropathy in my hands and feet. Sucks but bearable. I'm going to try and just get through it because I want to limit how much medication I'm taking between now and my surgery.
Not much to say...just wanted to get something in.

16 February 2020 Daily or Weekly or Monthly

After such a long absence and inability to stick to a schedule; i feel pretty good that I'm on here two days in a row. Like I mentioned yesterday; I'm starting the reading of the scrolls as prescribed in the OG Mandino book, The Greatest Salesman in the World. I read it 25+ years ago when my brother first gave me the paperback book but never in the manner it is intended to be read. I already know it is showing dividends. Matter of fact; I will be reading the lst scroll again for the mid-day after I post this. I don't have much to say right now. I don't believe I always need to have much to say. This is about routine and positive progress for me. Still no alcohol. Last night I really wanted to drink some wine. It would be simple to cheat...there is a 7-eleven two miles from my house. They sell small cartons and if I really wanted to; I could make any excuse to leave and buy a carton and drink. Done it many times over the last ten years. What is keeping me from doing it again? l don't really know. It is a combination of things. First is this blog! Very important to be honest with myself right now and have something to do that is affirming my life path forward.
On to other things. I am always on the search for nutritious foods now. I will be trying Baobab fruit. Based on what I read yesterday; the fruit is broken down to a powder and is packed with all sorts of anti-oxidants and other stuff that is supposed to be really good for you. It's also from Africa and right now I feel that since that is my ancestral heritage, I should be focusing on consuming foods and nutrients from that continent. The Rooibos herb drink that has been so good for me these last 8 months is from Africa. Once I get this Baobab powder into my daily routine; I'll post what I'm feeling and how it is affecting me. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/306445#diet
First 24 hours of uninstalling Twitter. So much more relaxed. One less mind sucking app to interrupt my forward progress. After I'm done with this radiation treatment and start to focus on the next step which is surgery. I will start working out again and will post stuff about my routine that will last from February 20, 2020 until my surgery that will be about the middle of May 2020 or thereabouts. I really want to lose weight. I am generally pretty shocked that I have not lost any weight at all during all these chemo and radiation treatments. I don't have hardly any of the traditional side effects. Just weird to me... Maybe I'm different somehow?