C.A.R.E 18 Sep 2026 - AUTHENTICITY

  The word from the C.A.R.E model is AUTHENTICITY

Gratitude that I have this time right now to focus on maintaining the right mind, body and spirit to make a positive impact in the lives of the ones I love. 

The words that come to mind often are not words that I know will give me energy, hype and motivation but words like authentic, that make me look at who I am actually not. 

I had a therapy session that is part of my road back to being able to drive again. This particular therapist, like many, end up saying something that really gets you. I finally, after all these years, reckoned with the singular moment that changed my life and took me down the road of life where I ended up today. 

I have managed to live a life that has not been truly 100% authentic to who I am. 

No, I am not gay nor have some hidden tendency to the feminine that I am suppressing. 

I have just never reckoned with the intense anger and pressure I have been under since July 1987. When I learned that there was virtually no way to salvage my ability to go attempt to play college football I imploded and exploded at the same time. 

There is an intensely crushing feeling you get when you know something significant is being taken away from you. When my great grandfather passed, I was walking into my house after football practice, and I remember being at the front door and hearing the phone ringing. I walked towards the phone and just had a sensation. I answered the phone and it was my grandmother. All she said was my name and I knew and it was over.  I want to believe that I said, "I know" and we cried. My great grandfather and I share a birthday; 12 February. His was 12 Feb 1895 and mine is 12 Feb 1969. Ezekiel Johnson Sr. died at age 91. 

I had the exact feeling when I knew that events complely outside of my control were leading me to a completely unknown life. 

I lived with that for 37 years! I've had stretches of my life where I accepted the outcome, but not really. I just don't really know what it means to be authentic and honest sometimes. I'm not heinous about it. I think I am loyal and trustworthy (when sober) but I just need to figure out how to finally let go of the anger. 

I just always let my anger over those past events dictate how I responded to pressure at home mostly. But home is where it matters and I failed at this so often. 

Progress is happening. It is getting close because I can see evidence of the change now that I have reflected on most of my life. Following this blogging/journaling helps more than anything. 

AUTHENTIC is what I want to be and be courageous about attacking it. 

You can't C.A.R.E if you're not authentic.