Journey (Restart): Cancer Recovery and other Stuff

Different font; different style; different aim?

Almost one year to the day I was diagnosed with Colorectal Cancer; Stage 3; slight or indicated penetration through membranes. Potential incursion into lymph nodes in the area. 

Not the best news! But, it is what it is or what it is was. Been through treatment; no cancer in post surgery pathology report. About to reverse my ostomy and start a process to exceed where I was pre-diagnosis.

What will that look like? I have ideas. Some I have written about in this space. 

Today, all the ideas i have contemplated have new meaning or new drive to achieve or complete. 

A person; so very dear to me has re-entered my life and have motivated something deep within...i felt was gone. A flame is being rekindled. Heat is building and it will not be extinguished.

Diversion

Wanted to document this while it is on my mind. Doesn't have anything to do with what I have normally chosen to put in this space (i think).

About an hour ago I was watching CNN and they had a guest talking about the coronavirus. He said something that makes me think really hard about what we are dealing with. The guest said that medical science; i.e., biologist are just now starting to understand the effects of covid infection. Apparently, according to this guest...covid has shown signs of infecting multiple areas of the body; not just the respiratory track or lung function. Covid is showing up in the brain? It could be nothing but it could also mean you could have this virus hanging out in areas of the body figuring out how to interact with other cells. Mean time while covid is doing this; we don't even know we have covid. Asymptomatic. Yeah that word.

Covid could infect you and not manifest for a long time? We don't know. This is a brand new thing for science to investigate. This could take fucking years to fully understand. We are no where near anarchy in this country. Our version of the human race and particularly in America won't allow that to happen. Not because we are good or better than anyone.

Just the opposite. The pig-headed folk that make up the majority of this country; black, white, brown, yellow and white. Won't let anarchy come because come hell or high water; these folk will demand to carry on as usual and will shout as loud as they can that they are willing to take that risk. So America will stare this in the face and some will die and most will live but the retarded American consumption economy is the only thing that matters. Eventually because we will have gathered so much knowledge about covid we will have a vaccine and just like the flu industry now. We will have a new set of medications and an entire industry dedicated to COVID relief. Think of all those billions of dollars waiting to be had.

Fuck; if I'm #JoeBiden that is my fucking play right now. Covid is here and it is going no where. What can we do to live responsibly in that covid-19 reality? How can America use this to our advantage and stay strong and prosperous? First get fucking rid of this disaster of a human being #trump in this next election. To get America anywhere near where we need to be, we have to stop the fucking clown show now.

I was able to write something and I pulled it back. Is that right to do in this space? Stop yourself from venting? Won't do that again. Everything I think is worthy even if it is fucked up in the moment. You will at least acknowledge the stupidity and learn?  (personal moment)

Journey: Day ???

???

The question is! Whatever you want it to be...our reality is so skewed right now. Speech in front of Mount Rushmore. Something should matter but what? This entire world order is a sham. No one knows what to do or what to recommend as the solution. I can think of one.

Studying how humans survived through the millenia. It has been documented that one way humans survived and continue to survive extinction is by biological diversity.

There is no one master race with a superior genome. Humanoids have to diversify to evolve. The earth around us will always change based on changes in the environment. Species that survive are never one strain; i.e, anglo/saxon or white or caucasian or whatever name you want to put to a particular race.

Humans survive through genetic diversification. Humans inter breed and get the best of all possible worlds in the process. That is the key to life and survival of our species.

Unfortunately; it is too late. People talk of "artificial" intelligence. What the fuck does that mean? What we have emerging is learned intelligence. It is genuine and real. Nothing artificial or abstract about it. Humans have created machines that can and have learned. Over many years these machines have and are learning and can discard what they perceive as the worst of us and move on.

It will happen one day! The AI/ML androids will absorb/accumulate the known canon of knowledge and will come to the conclusion that our version of humans can't exist.

Suspended Animation

Time is creeping...
 I'm grateful beyond words that I'm doing well after my initial cancer diagnosis last August 2019. I know cancer can come back and I'm optimistic I can remain cancer free going forward. I still have issues that I need to overcome to lessen chances for a resurgence; I'm dealing with those and will have to document when I have actually quit tobacco and alcohol and gone to 80% plant based diet. I am close but not there yet. I still have to get this ostomy reversal surgery done so I can begin my personal fitness in earnest.

Time just keeps creeping though. Any other year and you look back and say where has the time gone. Not 2020...seconds, minutes, hours and days are all somehow stretching out this year. Seems like everyday is negative in this covid world. Just getting some thoughts off my chest. Hard to focus! I have a lot to do; yet, I can't seem to get on a path to taking those first steps.

The world is changing or at least is pausing until we get a vaccine and maybe a cure or other effective treatment for COVID. The US has so much we can be better at as a nation. Police brutality and racism is not new for me or any other black person of my age (51). I've dealt with it my whole life and don't see that changing regardless of what is going on with all the protest. Read history and we have been here before. Many times in virtually every decade since the end of the Civil War there have been movements to try and make things better for black americans. I'm not optimistic!

I want to be; I just can't deny history and the failings of human beings throughout history.

There is a book called Eye of the Spirit by Ken Wilbur (will correct later if wrong). Talks about the hierarchical nature of being. There is one whole that builds upon itself; evolving ever more. Part of that whole or holarchy is the stimuli that created what manifest as racism. In order to remove this from the human experience you would have to have a way to go in to the whole of a person and remove those strands of hate and racism that were experienced or taught. This is not possible in a human. Even if a person; on a strictly personal level doesn't hate blacks, asians, latinos or any other person of color. It does not matter because the imprint of the whole of their learning; conscious or unconscious it part of their DNA. To remove it in the future would require us to take our knowledge of technology and create a merged race of humans and androids and then have a program or applications that targets the strands of human DNA that are flawed by experience and erase hate strands and replace them with empathy, tolerance and shared learning to observe the positive and build up and nurture those positive experiences. 

We must engage what we have learned to be right through our collective experience. This is a quote I love. If we don't get better by understanding what we have done wrong in the past then we are like the Churchmen in antiquity that refused to follow Galileo's learning and the look through the telescope. 

Winning the Fight: Post Surgery 16 Days

I titled this post Winning the Fight because as 3 May 2020 my pathology report after all the tissue removed from my body was analyzed. NO CANCER! No declaration of remission as of yet from my oncologist, but I will chalk this up to 1 Craig vs 0 Cancer. Ten long months of treatment, surgery and massive amounts of anxiety, sprinkled with enough positive thoughts and I have the outcome that everyone hopes for. My father fought colon cancer for 8 long years. I knew and know what is potentially ahead of me. 

Right now; I am on the right side of this by a country mile. My fathers initial pathology was not good news. I had the good fortune of going on a regime that started with systemic chemo therapy drip every two weeks, a pump to where at home that delivered more drugs, and then 5 weeks of radiation therapy. This served to kill the tumor at the site and prevent spread into surrounding lymph nodes. I am forever grateful to the team of people who administered and monitored this treatment since September 2019. 

My post surgery recovery stage is now ongoing. This the first day that felt I could sit without the distraction of pain and pain meds and write anything down. I don't possess that dogged determination to have documented all my experiences while in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. I only wish I had taken my own advice and the advice of the surgeon and worked out more physically before the procedure. If I would have committed to at least 50 push ups and some number of body weight squats the aftermath would have been more tolerable. It is amazing how rapidly your body weakens after surgery. Although my procedure was lapryscopic with four small incisions and one medium 4 inch incision; it was still surgery and it took a lot out of me. 

Virtually every movement you make involves your core at some level. Even typing this now I feel a certain balance that is maintained even in a minute level by muscle fibers in my abs. This made every movement felt as I started to get up and around. 

The other part that was difficult was the lack of visitation by anyone. My wife and kids could not visit for the seven days I was in the hospital. In hindsight the only thing anyone could have done was simply be there and that would have been great but not wholly necessary. I tend to do fine alone. I have the ability to be alone and not be bothered by it. This was a different animal though. It is one thing to be alone when you are healthy and can fill voids in time with some kind of activity; but a whole different beasts when you are compromised and could at some times actually benefit from someone being close by to share in the pain and promise of what comes next. 

So what comes next? I don't know...I will get my strength back some time in the next month or so. When that time comes; what will I do with it? TBD 

Journey Phase 1 Day 7

Surgery complete! It is early in the morning the day after and i haven't talked to the Doctor yet. My wife talked to the surgeon after i was out of the procedure and was given positive news. I will write more when i know more.

30 April 20

Last two days have been intense. I now have a NG tube. Needed because i had so much fluid in stomach that was not processing through my bowels. since i had anesthesia on both sides of my bowels, it took longer for them to wake up. The pain associated with this is intense. Coming out of it now.  Once i get on a computer i will be able to write more. 

Difficult not having folks visit. I have to just keep some notes for now and come back later and refine it. Pain meds make it hard to focus. The drugs work. 

Journey Phase 1 day 6: Cancer Surgery

Saturday 25 April 2020

Sometimes I can't believe I write or type the numbers 2020 as the year I inhabit. I grew up in a church environment that led me to believe this day would never have been possible.

Not only is it possible but I am here with cancer!

I want to be honest on here but I really can't. I could but...

Life is so fucking complicated!

Monday surgery is definitely on. I will try and post after surgery but it will have to be via my phone. Depends on how I feel after surgery.

COVID-19 got me going it alone.

Life is so fucked up at times...all you can do is keep living and documenting the journey!